UnMarry Christmas

So you’re forging through the holiday season as a single, unmarried parent. Whether this is your first holiday season flying solo or you are a seasoned veteran, it seems like it’s always a bit awkward.

After divorce, your social circle changes quite dramatically. If you primarily socialized with other married couples prior to divorce, you may now find yourself “odd man out.” It’s a strange feeling that gets better over time as you, and those around you, get more comfortable with your new “single” status. The social events you attended with your former spouse may or may not be something you wish to attend now that you are single…that is, IF you still got invited (that sometimes depends on how the friends were split in the divorce).

Aside from the adult social events of the season, there are, of course, the children to consider. No matter how high the divorce rate may be, children from single parent home (often insensitively referred to as “broken homes”…PS ours didn’t “break”, we’re just remodeling) have a much different experience during the holidays than that of their two-parent counterparts. Because I was acutely aware of this, I have made it my number one priority every year since my divorce to make the holidays primarily about my children.

The question usually becomes…what now? You’re divorced and your old traditions may bring up feelings and emotions that make you sad, angry, bitter, etc. Obviously, these are not emotions that you want your children to feel from you, energetically (and trust me, if you’re sad, happy, mad, content…they know! Smart little suckers!) The best way I have found to combat this awkward emotional state and transition period of “married holidays” to “unmarried holidays” is creating a fresh start – NEW traditions for the new structure of your family. The best part of this is that you and your children get to do it together.

I was very apprehensive going into my first unmarried holiday season in 2009. I managed to keep myself busy by working 6 days a week. I was tired and run down, which meant I was not interested in holiday parties or being very social. But I did manage to rally for my kids. At the time my children were 3, 3, 6 and 13 and were of the age to have opinions about new traditions. It was a fun age for us to make some decisions together on how we wanted our new family holidays to look.

Our Christmas eve is all about cozy Christmas pj’s, building gingerbread houses, Papa Murphy’s pizzas and Christmas movies cuddled up on the couch together. It’s quiet, low key and relaxing. The kids love it and I love it!

Every family is different. Maybe you and your children aren’t as “chill” as we like to be and you prefer something more social and active. Figure out what will make the holiday special for you and your kids and do it…and make it FUN!

If you’re anything like me, you might find yourself with that nagging guilt of having taken away the “traditional” family holiday from your children. Let me just say…STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! Your children will follow your lead. You’re right, it’s not what they’re accustomed to, but they’re children and they’re resilient. They will adapt and they will be just fine. Your lives are going to transition and change over the years and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s part of life.

Don’t try to fight your own feelings of sadness and loss. It’s completely normal to mourn the loss of what you had, what you wished it had been and the dream that died. None of us get married thinking that it will not last. But sometimes it doesn’t. Perhaps, like me, getting divorced was something that you did for yourself to finally set yourself free. Even if that’s the case, it’s still normal to grieve the loss of the life you had, the life you had hoped for that didn’t turn out. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions. If you don’t, they will just fester and come out later.

I wrote a blog after that first Christmas of single parenting in 2009 and the last line is pretty powerful and it’s a good reminder to me still today…”all they want is me. Time is precious. Kids grow up far too quickly. Give your kids the gift of YOU.” Divorce can make the holidays look very different financially and you may be feeling like you can’t give your kids the same kinds of material gifts you did when you were married. Take it from me…your kids want YOU far more than any item on their Christmas list.

The Perfect Mother

From the day I found out I was going to be a mother (September 15, 1995 to be precise) my focus was on

doing everything in my power to take the best care of my child that I possibly could. Before she was born, I was reading books and magazines on how to care for my daughter. Once she was in my arms, all of my choices and decisions were made with her in mind. That motherly instinct only magnified as I brought more children into the world (3 more, to be exact). First and foremost, I am a mother. It's more important than any job I will ever have. Raising my children and taking proper care of them is top priority.

That said, I've always been "different." While I consider myself motherly and maternal, I do not consider myself to have the "stereotypical" mom qualities. I do not enjoy making crafts with my children. I would prefer not to volunteer at school (although this year I am making up for all the many years I haven't...it's admittedly very overwhelming...stinky kids everywhere!!!) Doing exercises with my baby - no thanks! Disneyland...with 1, it was do-able, with 4...I think I'd probably slit my wrists...then what good would I be?!

I'm not very organized and I have a hard time corralling everybody to get homework done in a nice, orderly way. When it comes to meals, you would maybe assume that as a nutrition coach, my children eat whole, nonprocessed foods each night for dinner and wake to a hearty breakfast of oatmeal and egg whites. Not so much. In fact, if it isn't frozen, it's a "special" dinner. And thanks to Costco and Nestle Tollhouse, I am amazing at baking chocolate chip cookies. If I have to participate in a bake sale, you can bet that I'll be buying it at the local bakery and leaving all the labels on too...because it would take more time and effort to peel them off than I'm willing to spend.

My oldest daughter, almost an "adult" (her words, not mine) will tell you...I'm not domestic. At all. Being a household manager is not my strong suit, it's not what I enjoy and therefore, I'm not very good at it. For a long time I used to think that made me less of a mom. I used to think...maybe I should try harder to be like the other moms...maybe that would make me better in my children's eyes. But after the year I've had I've come to realize that just like every other mom like me, who would rather jump off a bridge than be a domestic goddess, I am enough and I am an amazing mom and I am exactly what my children need. I know that my children adore me and wouldn't trade me for anything. Most of all, I know that my children feel the depth of my love and I know that they are secure in that love. I know that my children trust me.

Cookies from scratch and fun arts and crafts are awesome. If that's your thing, rock it! But it's not MY thing and that's okay. And if the "stereotype" isn't your thing either, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. You are exactly what your children need...just the way you are. Change nothing. Apologize for nothing. Do you.

We're all going to fuck it up along the way. We're human and we're not perfect. Know that and accept it and just do your best and enjoy what works for you and your family. Stop comparing yourself to the other moms at school, at football practice, at dance class...wherever it is you find yourself in the company of other moms. Stop. Give yourself permission to be yourself. Do the things you know matter to your children, not the things you feel like the other moms expect you to do.

I believe that we choose our parents. I believe my children chose me. I believe your children chose you. If they chose us then we don't need to change anything. We just need to do our best and call it good.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I consider myself "spiritual, but not religious". I believe in a higher power...God, the Universe, I'm not really sure what the power is exactly, but I believe in something greater. I have faith: faith that everything that happens in the human world is ultimately for our greater good. Sometimes those things are excruciatingly painful and don't seem to make any sense, but deep down, I believe they are ultimately a gift if we take the time to find it.

That said, this last year, I've always known there was "light at the end of the tunnel" even when I couldn't see the light, I believed it was there. I've always believed I would come out on the other side. The other day my attorney sent me an email and one of her statements was followed with..."this is the light at the end of the tunnel." I always thought when this day came I would be overcome with joy and all of a sudden I would have my life back. I would just pick up where I left off one year ago when life as I knew it abruptly came to a screeching halt. But I didn't feel the joy I expected to feel. I didn't even see the light. Nope. I guess you could say it was more of a heavy, dark rain cloud over me. As I thought about having my life back I realized that "life as I knew it" is dead and gone.

I never got to say goodbye and I never got time to mourn the loss of the life I had. While life was not without struggles and challenges, I had built my dream - my own gym and things were going pretty well. I was looking at a big change for my business and really excited about the new possibility. And then, so quickly, it was gone....along with a lot of other things I felt like I valued a lot. Just gone. No time for tears, I had a battle to fight. No time to be sad, no time to grieve...my children needed every ounce of energy I had.

In a way, it's like a car accident or some other big "event" that changes your life in an instant. Except, for me, I'm not broken as if I'd been injured in an accident. I have my health, my body is fine, mentally, I'm solid (most of the time). It's easy to look at what I lost and feel a sense of sadness. I think mostly, it's grief that I was never "permitted" (by myself) to feel. I was too busy, too focused. Now that I don't have to give 100% of my efforts to fighting the fight, I can feel all of the feelings of losing what I had.

I've beat myself up over it. I've choked back tears. I have told myself not to be sad. I get a fresh start that many people don't get. That is really exciting to me and I look forward to the rebuilding process - from determining what I want my life to look like to actually making it my reality. But before I can go forward I have to give myself the gift of grieving.

I'm not very good at letting go. I tend to hold on far too long to things and people that don't really belong in my life. Apparently, the Universe was well aware of this which is why my life didn't change in baby steps but rather in one fell swoop, overnight, yanked out from under me. I am really good at long, drawn out, emotional goodbyes...letting go of my old life would have taken me forever and I would have made it a long, painful process if left to my own vices. I believe the Universe was looking out for me...as usual.

I refuse to be "woeful" and ask "why me" because I know there is a purpose to everything that has happened in my life. But one thing I have learned is true - if you bottle it up and don't let it out it will eat you alive. So before I walk into the light I know I need to say goodbye to the dream that once was so that I can allow myself to be really excited about rebuilding my life for the new dreams, the dreams that are still alive and well and the dreams that I haven't even had yet.

Dating: Baskin-Robbins Style

I never imagined that I would find myself in my mid-30’s, a single mother of 4, fully immersed in the dating world once again. While I was pretty certain that my marriage wasn’t ever going to last I never projected far enough into the future to see what it potentially might look like to be single again.

It’s an adventure, to say the least. I think I’ve learned more about myself over the last 2 ½ years than any other time period of my life. I guess one of my biggest “take-aways” from being single is that life is constantly offering us choices…”do you want this or do you want that?” I’ve finally figured out that just because something is in front of me doesn’t mean I have to pick it up and carry it around with me.

The way I see it, dating in the “second chance” world is like walking into Baskin-Robbins…”31 Flavors”…which one will you choose?

The cool thing about Baskin-Robbins is that you walk in, look at the many flavors before you and they actually let you sample the ice cream before you order it. You know those cute little pink spoons that have just enough on them for you to know if this is a flavor you  might want to take a few more (or a lot more) bites of or not. Sometimes, when they put the ice cream on the spoon you know right away…”this one is NOT for me.”

For example…

The girl behind the counter hands you a little pink spoon with blue ice cream and some funky colored candy in it. Now, if you’re 6 this might appeal to you, but at 36 probably not so  much.

Or perhaps the spoon includes something with NUTS and you’re allergic to nuts or you just don’t like ‘em so much. Or you’ve had them before and they leave you with a funny ich in your mouth afterwards. A simple “no thanks.”

This is like the coffee date where you walk into Starbucks, set eyes on the dude (or chick) and consider turning around and walking back out. These are what I call the “hell no” dates…the ones when he doesn’t even have to open his mouth and you know it’s a definitely no-go. This date is the pink spoon of bubble gum ice cream that I’d rather feed to my 5 year olds than put in my mouth. (or some strange blue stuff to my 8-year-old)

Now, let’s say you try the sample on the pink spoon and it’s kind of yummy but you’re still not sure if you want a full serving…possibly the kid size but you definitely know that you’re going to need a few more bites before you know that you like this flavor enough to order a cone full of it. This is the 3-date-wonder. I’ve learned that by the 3^rd date (or encounter: be it by phone, in person, email, etc) you usually have a good idea if this is someone you’re interested in pursuing further…as in, do you want a full waffle cone full of this yummy goodness or is it really not so yummy after all? There are a LOT of these…and by a lot, I mean a LOT. And in my experience, by the 3^rd encounter they have met one, if not several, items on my DQ List (disqualified).

Alright, so let’s face it, by the time you are at or approaching mid-life, chances are the people in your dating pool are going to come with some kind of baggage as we’d like to hope they’ve done their fair share of living. That baggage could be kids (I don’t mean that with ANY negative connotation), scarred by an ex-spouse, ailing parents, chemical dependency, etc. We all have baggage…what are you willing to deal with? There are bags that I won’t touch with a 10-foot-pole. The bags that give me the “same church, different pew” vibe are the bags that I run from…as fast as I can! I find that I am personally more inclined to deal with a person whose baggage is in the form of people rather than unattractive behaviors. For instance, a man who comes along and asks me what I would be willing to change for him has just put himself on my DQ List giving way to the man who has 6 kids (okay, totally not ideal, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker as would the man who wants me to change for him on our first coffee date.)

In 2 ½ years I’ve dated a lot. I’ve dated so much I could write a book about it. What I have learned is that each person that is in front of me is a choice. It’s like walking into Baskin-Robbins…”Julie, do you like this? Do you want more of this? Do you want to eat a jumbo bowl of this?” Yes please! Or No, Thank You!

I find myself saying “No, thank you” a lot these days. But the great thing about that is that I’m not settling. I’m choosing to be single because I am happier being ME than being with the wrong person and trying to be someone they want me to be.

I figure with every “Nope, that’s not him” signal I sent to the Universe I am one step closer to the one that IS “him.” And I am convinced that whoever is coming my way is one seriously amazing specimen of a man. After all, they say good things come to those who wait.

Fighting For B

I am reposting a blog that was originally posted on November 13th and 14th of 2012 on my former blog that is no longer public. My son turned 9 last November and was quickly spiraling out of control. Angry and depressed and out of control. As his mother, I was confused and lost and did not know how to help him or what to do. Due to pending litigation, I am not able to disclose the details of what has transpired in the last year, but I can tell you that my son is back. And I can tell you that violence is not in a child's nature, it is a learned behavior. If your child is acting out, it is a cry for help. Listen! And most importantly, RESPOND! It is our responsibility as parents to FIGHT for our children.

The light is back in my boy's eyes. He is happy and he is FUN. He is not scared and worried every day as he once was. He no longer acts out in violent rages. I enjoy spending time with him and unlike a year ago, I am no longer afraid of my own son. The weight has lifted off his shoulders and he gets to be a child again. I will share more next week on his birthday but until then...here is where we were a year ago:

I am very emotional right now and writing is my therapy. I can't promise this will follow any rational train of thought but I know it will help me to process the situation.

I am heartbroken and sad and frustrated and angry and feeling completely helpless right now. I think back to so many moments with my son and I wonder..."how did we get here? More often than not, this child is behaving like someone I don't recognize. It's his birthday today and I think that birthdays probably have more meaning to parents than children, after all, we remember that moment our children entered the world. The anger, the hate, the rage that came out of my boy this morning was unlike anything I've seen before. I didn't quite get it when the school told me yesterday that he "lost it" and there was no getting through to him. I saw it this morning. 

I called [his father] and told him that I couldn't send Brenden to school. I don't think I've ever been so relieved to simply hear..."I'm on my way." Feeling overwhelmed and unable to be effective with our son, I was so grateful for his willingness to drop everything and come help. I am on stand-by all day today just waiting for this kid to pop again. I can't think straight. I can't think about anything except wondering what we should do and how we can help him. 

My mind is busy trying to figure out what this could be, what possible people or things could be the influence of this behavior. I took the Xbox and computer out this morning. I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to make sense of this, trying to find an answer.

 

We romanticize parenthood, motherhood especially. Women are inundated with pregnancy websites, magazines, message boards, etc. It's just like planning a wedding. It's made up to be this pretty picture that we can create for ourselves and in doing so we typically fail to think far enough down the road that these tiny little humans are going to evolve into bigger humans that are going to have needs and issues that will challenge us like nothing else in our life has ever challenged us before. They will have us making phone calls to the doctor as I made today..."I don't know who to call and I don't know what to do!!!"...as I could hardly stop my crying long enough to get that sentence out. 

I look at pictures of my son as an infant and think that I never expected this. I just naively thought my beautiful blonde hair, blued eyed boy and I would live this fairy tale life. My boy was going to love his mama and take care of her. Little did I know that my boy would speak to me in ways that my daughters never have. I love him no less. I might even love him more. But my heart hurts and it feels like it's sitting in the bottom of my stomach right now. 

To my friends who have been praying for us today and always, my heart is filled with gratitude to have such an incredible network of people who love us. Thank you! Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we get to the root of this and do whatever we need to do to turn this around.

November 13, 2012

He'll be 9 tomorrow. 8:48pm tomorrow night to be precise. 8lbs 3oz, 21" long. My boy. The only boy on my side of the family...the golden boy.

It is hard for me to write this tonight. As a mother, my heart aches. I was called to pick my son up from school today because he had "lost it" and was out of control. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it was the first time, but this is something that we have been struggling with since he was in kindergarten. I don't know how to fix it and that breaks my heart and frustrates me and makes me angry. Not at him, but at the fact that I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that any of us (his family) do. His dad and I are taking him to the pediatrician for a consult and to see what direction we need to go from here.

As I was looking through pictures of Brenden's first few days of life I remembered the special bond we had during his early years. I was working full time and my employer let me bring him to work with me...everyday for 10 months. I had him on Friday and was back in the office to do payroll on Wednesday. :) He was always my little buddy. Always. I didn't expect it to be this way when he got older. 

This is very raw right now. It would be out of character for me to write a post that was all sunshine and rainbows because that's not reality. Regardless, I love this kid fiercely. I would give my life to spare his as any parent would. But sometimes being a parent really just sucks. The feeling of helplessness and not knowing how to make things better really, really just SUCKS. 

My boy is amazing. He is wicked smart. He is funny. And he is so capable of being a kid that is fun to be around. We will help him turn it around!

Happy 9th Birthday "Little B!"

His Best Gift

Today was gorgeous...it was a postcard Seattle fall day. The sun was shining, the sky was clear and the leaves are bright orange, yellow and red. It was a day that just makes you grateful. As I felt grateful for the gorgeous weather, I felt gratitude for a plethora of other things in my life as well. And strangely, I felt grateful for a gift from a former lover that changed me forever.

A lot of times when love is lost we are bitter..."he broke my heart", "she was careless with my heart", "he used me", etc. There's almost always a blame game. But the reality is, no one can do anything to you without your consent. It takes a lot for me to say that as a victim of domestic violence, but I fully acknowledge that I allowed it to happen. Just as I've allowed every other person to treat me in any way that wasn't "up to par" with my standards (which were probably set pretty low to begin with). But...when we know better we do better. I finally "got it" by the time I got into my last relationship. I went in eyes wide open, so I knew that I only had myself to blame when it ended ever so predictably...bad.

He was one of my best teachers. It would be easy to be bitter, I suppose, if I let myself feel like he "wronged" me. But he wasn't that guy and nothing was done with the intent to hurt me. In fact, I know, with everything that I am that he loved me...fiercely. He loved me enough to let me go, to set me free. But rewind...at the very beginning of "us", he promised me he was going to teach me that I was worth more than these "douche bags" that I kept choosing. He saw everything I already was before I saw it myself. He loved me when I was invisible and he loved me just the same when people started to "see" me. He loved me when I felt like I had no power and he loved me when I was soaring with so much confidence you couldn't possibly bring me down. He let me shine. He let me shine in a way that no one else had ever let me shine before. He loved ME and he let me be me. I believe, to this day, that he set me free because together we never would have made it and he would have always been someone that held me back. I know he didn't want that for me.

Now that time has healed my heart and given me perspective I am always filled with gratitude towards him. As I consider the possibility of a new relationship, I find myself unwilling to settle for less than I deserve...because of what he taught me. He gave me a taste of what it feels like to be loved, he gave me the hope that it's out there waiting for me. And I will wait for it. I will settle for nothing less than all the amazing things I want.

The sunny fall days, the trees and this weekend remind me of the day I fell in love with him. Nothing in this life should be wasted...no lesson, no experience...we should use everything as an opportunity to grow. Sometimes growing is painful. This opportunity to grow hurt like hell. But now that I look back I realize he made me believe in love again. He filled me with hope. And he set me free to find the one that was meant to share this life with me.

For everything he gave me, he will always hold a piece of my heart.

Goodbye is a Gift

Sometimes goodbye is the hardest thing. Sometimes it physically hurts so incredibly much that you truly feel your heart might break. It doesn’t matter who it is that leaves or that you leave…a friend, a lover, a family member…goodbyes, in my experience, are never easy. There is always a loss to some degree.

I heard it said the other day…”Goodbye is a gift.” It’s an interesting way to think about it as I had never thought of it in exactly those terms before. I’ve always thought everything happens for a reason and that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes only for a “season.” But when I thought about it…”goodbye is a gift”…I realized how true that is. Every time I’ve said goodbye it has been a gift, an opportunity to learn and to grow.

Not everyone we have relationships with is meant to stay in our lives and on our journeys for the long haul. Saying goodbye is the best gift someone could give you or that you could give yourself. Goodbye allows us to learn whatever it is we were supposed to learn and then allow ourselves to be open to new beginnings with other people who are better suited to us where we are now.

In the last year I have learned a lot about relationships. I’ve learned a lot about saying goodbye and mostly, I’ve learned that goodbye is not negative, it’s necessary. Goodbye keeps me moving in the right direction. Every goodbye brings me closer to the person I am supposed to be. If we can see the gift in every goodbye it makes us less resistant to the letting go and moving on. As we hold on to a relationship that has run its course, we delay the gift only found in moving on.

Goodbye is a gift that brings new opportunity.

Time Out!!!

Everyone who knows me personally knows how much I love being a competitive physique athlete. I thrive on the personal challenge that every competition gives me. My close friends would also be able to tell you that I "abuse" my sport. I know you're probably wondering what I mean by "abuse", so I'll tell you, in my terms, what that means.

Every single time I've stepped on stage I have done so to run from something, someone or some situation that was affecting me in a negative way. "If only I distract myself with a competition, it won't hurt so much. If I'm too busy with training and focusing on my prep, I can power through it." The problem with that is...the contest comes and it goes and the "thing", the person, the situation is still there waiting for me. "Oh, oops! I guess I'll just pick another show so I have no down time to deal with this. Yes, if I just keep myself in the throws of contest prep I can keep avoiding [person, place or thing]"

This last run of contests was, by far, the longest stretch yet. I guess you could say I had some pretty extreme pain and competing became my "painkiller." It allowed me to power through some dark days, it allowed me to isolate myself from new people (read: not moving on), it allowed me a positive distraction. But, even a positive distraction can become a negative thing if it's keeping you from dealing with things that must be dealt with. Feelings and situations that won't go away...they'll just sit on the sidelines waiting for you to deal with them once and for all.

Our bodies know things our hearts and our minds do not. I believe that the capabilities of our physical bodies far outweigh those of our emotions and our minds. I believe that, for the better part of the last year, my body has been begging me to take a "time out" to deal with some things I have been using contest prep to avoid. I am listening now and I've decided that not only my body, but my spirit, needs to take a break. I'm not sure how long. I do love competing for what the process gives to  me and the challenge to be better than the "me" I used to be. I know for sure I will not compete again this year. I've made that a promise 1st to myself, 2nd to some other valued friends...because I need to be held accountable. It's like an addiction for me - when the going gets tough, I want to throw myself into contest prep.

More than my body needing a break, I need to force myself to do "normal" things. Right now, I am enjoying more time with my children in the evenings and on the weekends. I am enjoying sleeping in on Sunday mornings, without pressuring myself to get out of bed and doing cardio at 6am. I am enjoying my "high carb" day to eat normal people food and enjoy social eating with loved ones. While it is good to have a nutrition plan, it can become a bad thing when you allow it to keep you from social situations. That was a choice I made and it now time for me to choose differently. Contest dieting is fine and can be healthy, but it does need parameters and it's not meant to be an ALL YEAR deal. I wanted to isolate myself and my diet allowed a great excuse.

It's time for me to stop abusing my contest prep and start living again. I am, however, still on a program and have a target goal. My good friend and colleague, Jon Blodgett (along with his wife, Erin, also my pal) is in charge of all my training and nutrition right now. He's got me on a fat loss/muscle gain program that I'm loving and is giving my life much-needed balance. I am also taking this "time out" to do some work for my sponsor, NDS Nutrition. I will be running their booth at the Night of Champions on September 28th in Spokane, WA and at the Washington Ironman on October 5th in Seattle. I am excited to have the opportunity to represent them for their very first appearance at the Ironman!

I like to think that I will get on stage in 2014 but I have to do it for no other reason than because I LOVE IT and because I just WANT to.

Hope Floats

I love this quote…

“Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up and it will.”

This year my life has been all about endings and new beginnings. Specifically, ending things that were long overdue to be ended. Pages of my story that I turned but what I really needed to do was just close the book and pick up a new one altogether. We fight to hold onto things in fear that something better will never come along but the reality is…until we let go of the old, there is no way we can possibly make room for something new and better to come along.

So what happens when you let go but you don’t really LET GO…and what I mean by that is that while you think you have moved on, there is a piece of that “old” part of your life that is still existent in your life presently. What happens is you keep getting the same kind of experience repeated in a different way until FINALLY you figure out the lesson, learn it and then you can close the book once and for all!

It’s hard. I know it is. I’m right there with ya! It’s scary to say goodbye to something that maybe doesn’t feel very good but it feels familiar and familiar is comfortable. It’s predictable and reliable. We know what we’re going to get. Putting an end to something that is familiar can be sad because it might mean we’re saying goodbye to someone or something that we have become attached to…even if it’s in a not-so-positive way. Often times ending things are sad because it means letting go of a part of ourselves but if we can work through the discomfort, the pain and the sadness of the ending, we open ourselves up to the opportunities of a new beginning.

New beginnings are scary. It’s the fear of the unknown. And while many times new beginnings offer us new and exciting opportunities, it is still the unfamiliar which is often times uncomfortable. I have learned that if I look at new beginnings with the perspective that everything that happens to me is for my greater good and every new experience is leading me to something better, I can forge ahead into the new…fearlessly. And being fearless doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid, it just means that you are brave enough to do it anyway…you’re willing to take the risk because you know that even if it doesn’t turn out the way you planned or hoped, it’s going to turn out the way it is supposed to.

We have two things always available to us: HOPE and FAITH. I have seen many dark days and more pain in my life than I ever imagined…but I have always had hope and faith and it keeps me going and it keeps me focused on the new beginnings and all the wonderful opportunities and potential those new beginnings may hold. If you give it a chance…hope will float up. I promise.

Actually, You ARE Beautiful!

I saw this quote from Steve Maraboli in my Instagram feed this morning and I wanted to do more than share it, I wanted to address it because it is such a big issue for women in general but women who have been in a relationship of domestic violence especially.

The physical wounds of domestic violence heal, they may leave scars, reminders, but they don't bleed anymore. However, the verbal and emotional abuse of domestic violence is not nearly as easy to heal and to recover from. And abusers will argue that "they're just words and words aren't abuse" or "they didn't mean any of it" (they never do, do they?) The problem with words is you can't take them back. You can apologize, but they're still there in the back of your mind...sometimes playing over and over like a broken record.You hear the record enough times and you start to believe that these words are true. Undoing the damage of domestic violence is hard work and it takes a commitment to yourself to overcome it...something your abuser has taught you that you're absolutely not worthy of.

Bull shit! Bull shit bull shit BULL SHIT!

First you have to believe that you are worth more than the lies someone sold you. And then you have to do the work on YOU to move beyond those lies and get them out of your head once and for all. For me, the first part of this has been acknowledging the abuse. For years I have held my hands over my ears, closed my eyes and "lalalalala - I can't hear you". This didn't happen. This couldn't happen...not to me, anyway. But it does. Domestic violence in the form of verbal and emotional abuse is very prevalent in our society today and it knows no boundaries - white collar, blue collar, high income, low income - domestic violence don't care. And so, while you may be like me, hiding in the "pretty picture" of your suburban home, big diamond rings, loaded SUV, adorable children and neatly landscaped yard, the truth is still behind it all, covered up but not going anywhere until it's acknowledged.

Some people find it hard to believe that words I frequently heard were things like:

"No red-blooded man would ever want you."
"Your body is repulsive."

But I did. And I never told anyone. I was not only ashamed, but deep down inside I wondered if maybe he was right - was I really that awful and ugly. My belief in his words lead me to a sequence of relationships with men whose treatment of me confirmed that his words were true. UNTIL...*this part is important ladies!!!* UNTIL...I decided that he was wrong. Until I decided that he was a liar and that his ugly words were about how he felt about himself and held no truth about who I am and whether or not I was beautiful or worthy.

Ultimately, we are the only person responsible for the beliefs and values we let into our minds. And sometimes that means we have to rid ourselves of ugly things we let inside by people who feel so small they need to bring others down to their level. Only when we figure this out, accept it and make the choice to move ourselves beyond it is when we heal. Choose to heal.

You are beautiful. Say it until you believe it. 

The Big Red Flag

The "red flags" - we all know about them and let's be honest, we all know what they are, whether or not we choose to see them is the real truth of the matter.

I believe that when it comes to dating and really any relationship, there are red flags or "warning signs." The red flags are deal breakers, obvious STOP signs. They are not "proceed with caution" signs, nope, they are stop-in-your-tracks-and-turn-the-fuck-around-signs.

So, here is what I have learned about red flags -

First of all, a red flag is a huge warning sign and in my experience the red flag is a character trait or situation with an individual that is a) not negotiable and b) not something that can or will change. It is what it is. And it IS a deal breaker. I'm currently single, so as you can see, I have not yet met a man with no red flags and while I was able to put my blinders on for a time with every single man I was ever with who had red flags (um, that's ALL of them, in case you didn't get the subtle hint earlier), ultimately the red flags became something that I couldn't tolerate any longer.

You can refuse to see the red flag, but deep down at your core level, subconsciously, you are well aware the red flag is there but you choose to ignore it, bury it and hope that if you close your eyes, cover your ears and hum really loud it may just go away. It won't. And another thing I have learned: getting pissed off at your friends for pointing out the red flag usually means at some point you have to go groveling back with the "OMG you were so right! Why didn't I see it before?!" You did, you just chose to ignore it which is why your friend's honesty struck a nerve the way it did. The truth hurts. And if you accept the truth then you have to deal with it which usually means terminating a relationship that, for whatever reason, you are not yet ready to terminate. Hey, it's cool...been there done that. Just make sure you learn the lesson the first time. (Unlike me, I've had to take this class a few times before I finally got it.)

Red flags are different for each individual. What may be a red flag for me may not be a red flag for you. Clearly, in the past I was willing to accept red flags that are now complete, hands-down, no-second-date, deal breakers. Only you know what's a deal breaker for you. I have found, personally, that as I get older and closer to 40 I am very clear on what I want and even more clear of what I do NOT want. I'm picky these days...but rightfully so. We should all be picky and hold out for nothing less than amazing, someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.

I have found that my friends are actually a very useful resource when it comes to red flagging. My friends and family have developed a "judging panel" that will be an integral part of the next relationship I enter. (And I'm only half kidding here...they're pretty darn protective of me) Love is blind, right? Our friends and loved ones do not have the love goggles on in a new relationship the way we do. But, the thing here is you have to be open and willing to take a step back when they point out a red flag, not hate on them and make an honest assessment of the situation:
Are your friends right?
Is it too early to tell?
Do you need more time to find out?
Develop a strategy and do not move forward until you have a game plan. Trust me here, if you have the kind of friends I do (the ones who walk thru the fire with you) they have earned the right to look out for you.

When a relationship is over you can usually look back in hindsight and see all the red flags with clear vision. It's okay. Let it go. Forgive yourself and move on. I have tortured myself with the "whys" and finally I've concluded...the "why" doesn't matter. What matters is I learned the lesson, maybe continue to learn lessons. But what is most important is that you learned and that you can forgive yourself, stop beating yourself up and move on to something and someone that is deserving of all that you are.

Be willing to being more aware of red flags and addressing them when you see them. You owe it to yourself to have a "NO TOLERANCE" policy for red flags.

Power to the Scale!

Yesterday morning my alarm went off. Day 2 on my new program with my new coach and we have resumed

daily weigh-ins, a practice I have avoided for more than 6 months now. Ever since "the shit went down" in December and my body went into cortisol overload (read: "got fat") I have avoided that thing like the plague. It's all dusty and stuff. I knew that the number in that little device was not what I wanted it to be, so I made sure not to step on it...because if I didn't step on it, I could keep lying to myself. But not anymore. Coach needs daily weigh ins and I know, as a seasoned figure competitor and contest prep coach myself, they are a necessary part of the process.

Yet, here I was yesterday, walking from my bed towards the bathroom door as slowly as possible, dreading the moment I'd have to get on. What would it say? Would it be up? Would it be down? Would I be worthy? Or would I be a fat pile of shit today? (Yeah, you all thought I was immune to this bullshit, didn't you? Not so much) As I'm making the long walk to the bathroom, I am hearing Steve's voice in my head and remembering this quote..."It's just a number, Jules, it does not reflect who you are or what you are worth. Take it at face value and then move on with the day." (Steve has yet to call me Jules, but I'm sure it's coming...it would probably sound more like..."You're a BADASS! Now get on the scale and move on!") And with that, I got on the scale, noted the pound and half decrease from the day before and went on with my day.

I know that I am not alone in my relationship with the scale. I know that many women are just like me...you can wake up feeling like you own the world, step on that scale and if the number isn't what you want...game over, might as well crawl back in bed. And the thing is, I know...of all people, I know...the scale is truly just a number. Water, muscle, hormones and a gamut of other factors can cause the scale to go up or down in a day's time. And mostly, I know that the number on the scale doesn't have any indication of my worth as a person. Gaining a few pounds doesn't make me a lazy fat ass, just like losing a few pounds doesn't make me superior to anyone who might have weight to lose.

Once I got that quote of Steve's in my head I was able to refocus and remind myself that it truly IS just a number and doesn't have any reflection of my value or worth as a human being. Now, it's still important to make note of the number from a health standpoint as we all know that being overweight is absolutely not healthy...but if the number isn't what you want right now, it's OKAY. If you know that you are doing what you need to do to get your health where you need it to be -

• Do you have a plan? 
• Are you working your plan?
• Are you doing things each day to take care of yourself and your physical wellness

If you can answer YES to all of the above, then you have no reason to let the scale dictate your mood. If you know you need to do work and you're not doing it then let this be a reminder to get going - stop wishing, hoping, dreaming and planning and get to work.

Focus on your strengths and all that you are - which is much more than a number on the scale!

Get on that scale, make a note of the number and move on! 

Scoop The Poop

I was having a "moment" earlier today. Grumbling in my own head about this or that and referring to a certain "thing" as a "pile of shit." And then I started laughing at myself because as soon as I thought of this "thing" as a "pile of shit" my mind immediately thought of scooping poop in the backyard. Okay, not that I even have to do that...because I don't even have a dog and all my kids are potty trained, so I'm not even sure where poop scooping came into my head...but it did. So then, it made sense to me figuratively - we all have to "scoop the poop" now and then and clean up our yard. Get rid of the shit that's stinkin' up the place.

Your "shit" can take many forms - people, things, jobs, situations, events - it doesn't really matter what the "shit" is, it's just something that's weighing you down, cluttering your mind, having a negative impact in your life at the current time. A few months ago when I was vacating my business space, I was throwing away stuff left and right. I came home one day and tore into a closet. I threw away almost everything in the closet. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was purging my entire house....scooping the poop, if you will. It was cleansing. I had stuff I hadn't used in years. Stuff that belonged to my former husband who hadn't lived in my house in nearly 4 years. Items that no longer had any place or use in my life. Just shit, taking up space...in every way.

During this time, I found myself scooping poop in every area of my life. Things, people, activities. If it wasn't adding some kind of value to my life, I decided it was time to get rid of it, time to start fresh. I never realized how many things were going on in my life that were just weighing me down, mentally, emotionally and physically until I started removing them from my life. It was freeing. I decided that I needed to keep doing this on a daily basis. Not just a regular basis, but an Everyday basis. What deserves to be a part of my life (who deserves to be a part of my life) and what do I need to let go of.

Your "shit" can be physical or it can be mental, emotional stuff that's cluttering up your mind. The great thing about either one of those is that we have complete control over whether we're going to go in the backyard and clean it up or if we're going to leave it sit there and fertilize the weeds growing in our shitty grass. I had this moment the other night...

I went back to a place I hadn't been in awhile. It held a lot of memories that I wasn't ready to let go of and I feared going back to this place would bring me more pain than I could handle, I sat in this place and I let my mind go back to that place in time. I started to cry. And I quickly realized...I don't have  to go back there in my mind. I don't have to think these thoughts that are just "piles of shit" in my head. (Ok, they weren't that bad, but they were not freeing me up to live in the NOW) I even said it out loud to myself..."Julie, you don't HAVE to go there! Stop! Stop now." And I did. And all of a sudden I had this huge sense of freedom. 

As with all of our thoughts, we get to choose which memories we want to entertain and which ones we don't. It's clutter. It's shit that weighs us down.

Whether your "piles of shit" are physical, mental or emotional...get out there and scoop the freakin' poop! The longer we leave it out there, the stinkier it gets. Get rid of it! Clean out the clutter. Get rid of the people, the things, the situations that do not bring you joy or add some kind of value to your life. Get rid of the thoughts that drag you down by your own doing. Quit living in the past and dwelling on what WAS and focus on what is and what WILL be.

You'll find life is much more enjoyable when you scoop the poop in your life on a regular basis.

Hell Yes, I'm Holding a Grudge!

“Forgiveness is not something you do. It is a state of being, that when offered, brings forth the truth of who you really are.”

~Iyanla Vanzant

I’ve never enjoyed playing the “blame game.” I was taught at a young age to take responsibility for my actions and my parents always held me accountable for my choices – good and no-so-good. I learned that with every action and decision there was a consequence, be it positive or negative and that I had to live with that consequence. I have made some big choices in my life that have come with costly consequences, however, as I look back, I would do nothing different as those choices shaped who I am today. I didn’t choose the “easy” road and often times chose to take a challenging path instead. But my choices made me strong.

I have thought a lot about forgiveness lately. As I’ve looked at the recent events in my life and the people that have impacted where I am today I realize, I don’t really hold any grudges or harbor bitter resentments. I realize that I made the choices I did and that if I have been hurt it was by my own choosing. I don’t blame those other people. But I sure as hell blamed myself. Oh yes, I have beat myself up real good…”girl, you are gonna have to pay for that! Another bad decision, way to go!” Yep, I was holding a big ass grudge – against myself.

It’s not just me, many of us do it. If  you take accountability for your decisions and own your choices, chances are you’ve fallen into the trap of holding a grudge against yourself. It can manifest in many ways. Withholding things, relationships, experiences from yourself because you deem yourself unworthy – after all, you’re holding a grudge against you. You certainly don’t deserve to have anything “good.”

I did this to myself for a long time. I would deny myself friends/relationships, simple pleasures, experiences and vacations, rest…because I didn’t deserve it. I had gotten myself into this shitty situation and now I was going to have to pay for it. And how did that work? Not so well! How do I know? Because as much as I withheld from myself, as long as I kept punishing myself…I was not getting anywhere close to redemption in my own head.

And then finally it clicks…”Ah-fucking-ha!”…you can keep punishing yourself, you can hold the grudge for as long as you want but until you decide to forgive you own self, you are not moving ahead. You are going to stay stuck, right there, in grudgy-grudge purgatory, until you figure it out! Funny how life just works that way…keeps sending you lesson after lesson until you pass the test, figure it out and start moving forward.

I own it. I always own it. I made these choices that got me into some situations that had some serious repercussions but I never did so with the conscious thought of “fucking shit up.” I was always doing the best I knew how to do. I was doing what I thought was the right thing at the time. Most of us are trying our best and if we’re out there trying, we’re really living …well, we’re going to screw some shit up. It’s life. Learn from it, FORGIVE yourself, let go so that you are free to move on and move forward. Have the courage to let your old habit of holding a grudge against yourself die.

 

We Don't Lose, We Just Move On

I’ve learned a lot about relationships over the past few years…the last 6 months, especially. When we experience extraordinarily challenging times in our lives it often becomes clear who our real friends are. I have found that my relationships have been strengthened, dissolved or “back-burnered” and moved to an acquaintance level.

There is a quote I love – “We never lose friends, we just learn who our real friends are.” I believe this is true. As we go through life we have many relationships – personal, romantic, professional. The expectation that people come into our lives to stay is not realistic. We are all in a constant state of change and that means our relationships will evolve and change as we do. Accepting that most relationships are “seasonal” can help us to see the relationship as a gift and for the lessons we learned when it comes to an end rather than being bitter or holding a grudge or harboring other negative feelings.

Relationships with others are a gift. Every relationship has the potential to offer us an opportunity to grow and to impact the lives of others in a positive way. However, part of our human nature is that some of us are more “poison” to one another, meaning that we end up creating more drama and negativity than necessary. It’s just the way life is. Learning to recognize these people that serve as “poison” early on can save us a lot of heart ache and learning to know how to handle these types of relationships and accepting the fact that it is okay to let them go can free up a lot of emotional space in our lives.

I’ve always been a “people pleaser”. I want to make everyone happy, even if it means sacrificing myself and my own feelings and desires to do so. I’m not alone, many of us do this. It is not an admirable quality. Denying who you are and how you feel is a disservice to everyone, primarily to yourself.

 

One of the most valuable lessons about relationships that I have learned over the last 6 months is that it is okay to let go. It is okay to decline participating in a relationship that does not feed my soul. It is okay to admit that there are friends, partners, family members and clients that do not add value to my life. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with me or with the other person – simply that together, we aren’t providing value to one another. I have learned to step quietly away from relationships that aren’t serving me, relationships that cause me more angst than peace. I have learned that it is perfectly acceptable to walk away from relationships and people that do not encourage and support who I am and who I have the potential to become.

Life is a constant lesson. Every day we are learning and growing into ourselves…if we choose to be in a state of awareness to receive the lessons. It’s not always easy to realize and move away from those relationships that are toxic to us, but if we become more aware of them, at least we have the conscious choice to stay in or move away. Letting go isn’t easy and sometimes we’re not ready. That’s okay too. Just being aware that it’s something we probably need to learn to let go of is sometimes all we need to do. All things happen in perfect timing.

We never “lose” people, we move on.

 

 

The Year Without Dating

After ending a relationship that was doomed from the start, I made a conscious decision to take some time to:

      A)    figure out why I kept choosing the kind of relationship that wasn’t giving me what I needed, what I desired and rather left me feeling empty, drained and emotionally bankrupt.

     B)    Give my heart time to heal from losing the first man that I truly loved so that when I did get into another relationship I was in a place where I could give of myself completely to someone new. I needed time to let go.

 

 It’s been just over a year now…a year and a week, to be exact, but who’s counting?! For the first few months of the YWOD (Year WithOut Dating) I was mostly just reeling from the loss. Nursing my broken heart, wondering if I’d ever be able to breathe again, wondering when I would feel whole again. I decided to break a bad habit that I, like many people, had created in my life: instead of feeling the pain, nursing the wounds and learning the lesson, I would immediately jump into dating again. I would try to force myself to move on, to become interested in someone else, to find someone that was going to “fix” what I perceived to be broken in me, prove my worth and numb the pain. At 37 years old, I decided it was time to stop the madness. After all, deep down I wanted something more, someone more and I know he won’t come along until I am whole and complete in myself.

 

Once I got over the initial “withdrawal” phase, I found that I really liked being just “me.” I read a lot of books, I listen to other people/”experts” who I find credible or admirable in some way. I also believe that it was time for me to come to terms and move past the fact that I had been the victim of domestic violence. This was something I always knew deep down and occasionally alluded to in my writing, but until last month I was never able to speak it out loud: “I was abused.” We see the truth when we’re ready and I guess I wasn’t ready until now.

 

As the YWOD has passed, I find myself interested in the possibility of bringing someone new into my life. I know what I want and, more importantly, I know what I’m worth and what I don’t want. It is important to be whole and complete in yourself before joining forces in a relationship with someone else. I had to be in a place where I was totally happy being who I am and recognize that I don’t need to change a damn thing about myself for anyone. I realize that I’m looking for a needle in a haystack and I am perfectly okay with that. I’m in no hurry. I don’t just want someone, I want someone exceptional and amazing and absolutely perfect for ME!

 

While I haven’t dated recently, I have dated a LOT of men. I’ve pretty much been married twice. Suffice it to say, I’ve been to the rodeo and I’ve learned a lot. So this morning I was at the gym and got into a dating discussion with a “gym dude” (he started it, not me!!!)  He was telling me about all these girls he was dating…but…they were all the same. They all had the same issues. I said…”oh yeah, I’ve done that before. Same church, different pew. You gotta find a new church dude!” He laughed and said that actually he was going to a new church. I had to clarify that I was speaking figuratively. But the thing I was telling him and that I experienced myself and that so many people experience – we keep choosing the same type of person over and over again until we finally learn the lesson. All of these people “same guy/girl, different shirt” or “same church, different pew” are sent to us as lessons. They’re temporary people sent into our lives to help us learn and grow. But more often than not, we are not aware of this or we are aware and choose to ignore the reality and just go through life creating drama after drama. Once you are aware you can learn and you can change.

 

I needed my YWOD to figure out what it was. And boy did I figure it out…in a way I never imagined. A path that was lead by my 3 little messengers, bless their hearts. Once I finally got the lesson and realized what I needed to do for MYSELF to be whole I knew that I would be ready to accept someone new into my life. I knew that I needed to be in a place where I didn’t need someone to complete me but to compliment me. I knew that I would wait for a man who would empower me and not want to manipulate and control me. I knew that I would wait for a man who didn’t want to change me, who would accept me just the way that I am. I knew that I would never settle again. I knew I was strong enough as ME to become part of a WE.

"Re"

Iyanla Vanzant is one of my favorite "life coaches" and I usually read something by her daily, be it on social media or in one of my many books she authored. Today I was reading from her book Until Today and the May 6th entry was absolutely spot-on for me today!

"I am capable of doing everything better the next time."
"The prefix 'Re' means to do again."
"You can always re-position yourself in any situation once you re-evaluate it."

Yep...kinda where this week is at and where I've known all along it would be. I could have told you this 12 weeks ago. My heart was never in the Emerald Cup and my sights were always fixed upon the Empire Classic as the true "goal."

My body is dropping water like crazy! I've dialed back on the cardio and am trying to rest a lot. My spirit and my mental state are in a completely different place. I feel happy and not stressed. My son is so excited to drive east with me and of course, that makes my heart very happy. I'm excited to share the hours driving over with him and have some fun stops planned along the way.

So here are my comparison pictures from yesterday morning and this morning - probably about 20 hours apart. Kinda crazy. I feel like I look better today then I did on Friday or Saturday. Ugh. Oh well...it is what it is and it's time to move on.

 

What If?

What if...less is more?
What if...more isn't always better?
What if...releasing the pain of the past would actually free me up to enjoy the right here, right now?
What if...

Another Emerald Cup that has left a nasty taste in my mouth. At my own choosing, of course. I own it. I chose to do the Emerald Cup again this year for one reason and one reason only...it literally kept me alive. I don't think I have words yet to express what these last several months have felt like...dark, lonely and absolutely unreal. Every morning I would wake up just a bit dazed and confused with a heaviness in my heart that wasn't quite clear and within moments I would remember..."oh yeah, my life is falling apart."

It has been 13 days shy of 1 year now since I last saw Chris. Those days, weeks and months after it was over I thought I might die. I cried during the day, I cried at night. Truly, the pain physically hurt. I didn't think I could hurt worse than I did saying goodbye to him. And then it happened...my kids were hurt and the pain I felt losing Chris paled in comparison. It has been, by far, the most painful year of my life. Losing someone you love and watching your precious babies go through something so terrible is literally gut-wrenching. There were many days when it just felt like too much, like I couldn't possibly go on. I stopped doing a lot of the things I love. I stopped spending time with people socially. I stopped writing. I stopped caring about a lot of things.

I knew that I only had one choice...to power through and to be strong and get through this for my kids and get my kids through this. Quitting life was not an option. Having to get up each morning to do cardio because I was competing in the Emerald Cup saved my life. It got me through the worst of it. I know it's far from over, but I feel like I've gotten through the hardest part and I have somehow gathered the strength to fight this beast head-on until the truth prevails...and it will!!

I did all the work. There was nothing left undone, nothing more I could have or should have done. If

anything, I probably made my body work too hard. My stress has been through the rough, my adrenals are working overtime. There were 2 solid months of sleepless nights. I dropped my calories too low and brought my cardio up too high. I was pushing too hard...because it felt better to push to hard than to feel the pain of what I'm going through. I guess, you could say, the training was my "drug".

Last year after closing out the Emerald Cup, I turned around and brought a much better physique to the Empire Classic stage just one week later. The energy was different. It was just about ME, nobody else. No baggage. Getting out of town was helpful too. I loved it there. I loved the people...it was like insta-family and I felt good. I think it was very symbolic for me in MOVING ON! And again this year, I am feeling a huge sense of relief with Emerald Cup being behind me and I am excited about the Empire Classic.

With the help of a friend, I've decided to dial back on my cardio a bit and make some changes to my

nutrition this week. Today I'm retaining a good bit of water, but not too bad. I tried to keep my sodium under control yesterday after doing a pretty severe water cut for Emerald. I'm water loading again today with 2+ gallons of water and will do my usual depletion training this afternoon.

How GREAT I AM!