I believe that when it comes to dating and really any relationship, there are red flags or "warning signs." The red flags are deal breakers, obvious STOP signs. They are not "proceed with caution" signs, nope, they are stop-in-your-tracks-and-turn-the-fuck-around-signs.
So, here is what I have learned about red flags -
First of all, a red flag is a huge warning sign and in my experience the red flag is a character trait or situation with an individual that is a) not negotiable and b) not something that can or will change. It is what it is. And it IS a deal breaker. I'm currently single, so as you can see, I have not yet met a man with no red flags and while I was able to put my blinders on for a time with every single man I was ever with who had red flags (um, that's ALL of them, in case you didn't get the subtle hint earlier), ultimately the red flags became something that I couldn't tolerate any longer.
You can refuse to see the red flag, but deep down at your core level, subconsciously, you are well aware the red flag is there but you choose to ignore it, bury it and hope that if you close your eyes, cover your ears and hum really loud it may just go away. It won't. And another thing I have learned: getting pissed off at your friends for pointing out the red flag usually means at some point you have to go groveling back with the "OMG you were so right! Why didn't I see it before?!" You did, you just chose to ignore it which is why your friend's honesty struck a nerve the way it did. The truth hurts. And if you accept the truth then you have to deal with it which usually means terminating a relationship that, for whatever reason, you are not yet ready to terminate. Hey, it's cool...been there done that. Just make sure you learn the lesson the first time. (Unlike me, I've had to take this class a few times before I finally got it.)
Red flags are different for each individual. What may be a red flag for me may not be a red flag for you. Clearly, in the past I was willing to accept red flags that are now complete, hands-down, no-second-date, deal breakers. Only you know what's a deal breaker for you. I have found, personally, that as I get older and closer to 40 I am very clear on what I want and even more clear of what I do NOT want. I'm picky these days...but rightfully so. We should all be picky and hold out for nothing less than amazing, someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.
I have found that my friends are actually a very useful resource when it comes to red flagging. My friends and family have developed a "judging panel" that will be an integral part of the next relationship I enter. (And I'm only half kidding here...they're pretty darn protective of me) Love is blind, right? Our friends and loved ones do not have the love goggles on in a new relationship the way we do. But, the thing here is you have to be open and willing to take a step back when they point out a red flag, not hate on them and make an honest assessment of the situation:
Are your friends right?
Is it too early to tell?
Do you need more time to find out?
Develop a strategy and do not move forward until you have a game plan. Trust me here, if you have the kind of friends I do (the ones who walk thru the fire with you) they have earned the right to look out for you.
When a relationship is over you can usually look back in hindsight and see all the red flags with clear vision. It's okay. Let it go. Forgive yourself and move on. I have tortured myself with the "whys" and finally I've concluded...the "why" doesn't matter. What matters is I learned the lesson, maybe continue to learn lessons. But what is most important is that you learned and that you can forgive yourself, stop beating yourself up and move on to something and someone that is deserving of all that you are.
Be willing to being more aware of red flags and addressing them when you see them. You owe it to yourself to have a "NO TOLERANCE" policy for red flags.
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