“Forgiveness is not something you do. It is a state of
being, that when offered, brings forth the truth of who you really are.”
~Iyanla Vanzant
I’ve never enjoyed playing the “blame game.” I was taught at
a young age to take responsibility for my actions and my parents always held me
accountable for my choices – good and no-so-good. I learned that with every
action and decision there was a consequence, be it positive or negative and
that I had to live with that consequence. I have made some big choices in my
life that have come with costly consequences, however, as I look back, I would
do nothing different as those choices shaped who I am today. I didn’t choose
the “easy” road and often times chose to take a challenging path instead. But
my choices made me strong.
I have thought a lot about forgiveness lately. As I’ve looked at the recent events in my life
and the people that have impacted where I am today I realize, I don’t really
hold any grudges or harbor bitter resentments. I realize that I made the
choices I did and that if I have been hurt it was by my own choosing. I don’t
blame those other people. But I sure as hell blamed myself. Oh yes, I have beat
myself up real good…”girl, you are gonna have to pay for that! Another bad
decision, way to go!” Yep, I was holding a big ass grudge – against myself.
It’s not just me, many of us do it. If you take accountability for your decisions
and own your choices, chances are you’ve fallen into the trap of holding a
grudge against yourself. It can manifest in many ways. Withholding things,
relationships, experiences from yourself because you deem yourself unworthy –
after all, you’re holding a grudge against you. You certainly don’t deserve to
have anything “good.”
I did this to myself for a long time. I would deny myself
friends/relationships, simple pleasures, experiences and vacations, rest…because I didn’t deserve it. I had
gotten myself into this shitty situation and now I was going to have to pay for
it. And how did that work? Not so well! How do I know? Because as much as I
withheld from myself, as long as I kept punishing myself…I was not getting
anywhere close to redemption in my own head.
And then finally it clicks…”Ah-fucking-ha!”…you can keep
punishing yourself, you can hold the grudge for as long as you want but until
you decide to forgive you own self,
you are not moving ahead. You are
going to stay stuck, right there, in grudgy-grudge purgatory, until you figure
it out! Funny how life just works that way…keeps sending you lesson after
lesson until you pass the test, figure it out and start moving forward.
I own it. I always own it. I made these choices that got me
into some situations that had some serious repercussions but I never did so
with the conscious thought of “fucking shit up.” I was always doing the best I
knew how to do. I was doing what I thought was the right thing at the time.
Most of us are trying our best and if we’re out there trying, we’re really living …well, we’re going to screw some
shit up. It’s life. Learn from it, FORGIVE yourself, let go so that you are
free to move on and move forward. Have the courage
to let your old habit of holding a grudge against yourself die.
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