Actually, You ARE Beautiful!

I saw this quote from Steve Maraboli in my Instagram feed this morning and I wanted to do more than share it, I wanted to address it because it is such a big issue for women in general but women who have been in a relationship of domestic violence especially.

The physical wounds of domestic violence heal, they may leave scars, reminders, but they don't bleed anymore. However, the verbal and emotional abuse of domestic violence is not nearly as easy to heal and to recover from. And abusers will argue that "they're just words and words aren't abuse" or "they didn't mean any of it" (they never do, do they?) The problem with words is you can't take them back. You can apologize, but they're still there in the back of your mind...sometimes playing over and over like a broken record.You hear the record enough times and you start to believe that these words are true. Undoing the damage of domestic violence is hard work and it takes a commitment to yourself to overcome it...something your abuser has taught you that you're absolutely not worthy of.

Bull shit! Bull shit bull shit BULL SHIT!

First you have to believe that you are worth more than the lies someone sold you. And then you have to do the work on YOU to move beyond those lies and get them out of your head once and for all. For me, the first part of this has been acknowledging the abuse. For years I have held my hands over my ears, closed my eyes and "lalalalala - I can't hear you". This didn't happen. This couldn't happen...not to me, anyway. But it does. Domestic violence in the form of verbal and emotional abuse is very prevalent in our society today and it knows no boundaries - white collar, blue collar, high income, low income - domestic violence don't care. And so, while you may be like me, hiding in the "pretty picture" of your suburban home, big diamond rings, loaded SUV, adorable children and neatly landscaped yard, the truth is still behind it all, covered up but not going anywhere until it's acknowledged.

Some people find it hard to believe that words I frequently heard were things like:

"No red-blooded man would ever want you."
"Your body is repulsive."

But I did. And I never told anyone. I was not only ashamed, but deep down inside I wondered if maybe he was right - was I really that awful and ugly. My belief in his words lead me to a sequence of relationships with men whose treatment of me confirmed that his words were true. UNTIL...*this part is important ladies!!!* UNTIL...I decided that he was wrong. Until I decided that he was a liar and that his ugly words were about how he felt about himself and held no truth about who I am and whether or not I was beautiful or worthy.

Ultimately, we are the only person responsible for the beliefs and values we let into our minds. And sometimes that means we have to rid ourselves of ugly things we let inside by people who feel so small they need to bring others down to their level. Only when we figure this out, accept it and make the choice to move ourselves beyond it is when we heal. Choose to heal.

You are beautiful. Say it until you believe it.