Fighting For B

I am reposting a blog that was originally posted on November 13th and 14th of 2012 on my former blog that is no longer public. My son turned 9 last November and was quickly spiraling out of control. Angry and depressed and out of control. As his mother, I was confused and lost and did not know how to help him or what to do. Due to pending litigation, I am not able to disclose the details of what has transpired in the last year, but I can tell you that my son is back. And I can tell you that violence is not in a child's nature, it is a learned behavior. If your child is acting out, it is a cry for help. Listen! And most importantly, RESPOND! It is our responsibility as parents to FIGHT for our children.

The light is back in my boy's eyes. He is happy and he is FUN. He is not scared and worried every day as he once was. He no longer acts out in violent rages. I enjoy spending time with him and unlike a year ago, I am no longer afraid of my own son. The weight has lifted off his shoulders and he gets to be a child again. I will share more next week on his birthday but until then...here is where we were a year ago:

I am very emotional right now and writing is my therapy. I can't promise this will follow any rational train of thought but I know it will help me to process the situation.

I am heartbroken and sad and frustrated and angry and feeling completely helpless right now. I think back to so many moments with my son and I wonder..."how did we get here? More often than not, this child is behaving like someone I don't recognize. It's his birthday today and I think that birthdays probably have more meaning to parents than children, after all, we remember that moment our children entered the world. The anger, the hate, the rage that came out of my boy this morning was unlike anything I've seen before. I didn't quite get it when the school told me yesterday that he "lost it" and there was no getting through to him. I saw it this morning. 

I called [his father] and told him that I couldn't send Brenden to school. I don't think I've ever been so relieved to simply hear..."I'm on my way." Feeling overwhelmed and unable to be effective with our son, I was so grateful for his willingness to drop everything and come help. I am on stand-by all day today just waiting for this kid to pop again. I can't think straight. I can't think about anything except wondering what we should do and how we can help him. 

My mind is busy trying to figure out what this could be, what possible people or things could be the influence of this behavior. I took the Xbox and computer out this morning. I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to make sense of this, trying to find an answer.

 

We romanticize parenthood, motherhood especially. Women are inundated with pregnancy websites, magazines, message boards, etc. It's just like planning a wedding. It's made up to be this pretty picture that we can create for ourselves and in doing so we typically fail to think far enough down the road that these tiny little humans are going to evolve into bigger humans that are going to have needs and issues that will challenge us like nothing else in our life has ever challenged us before. They will have us making phone calls to the doctor as I made today..."I don't know who to call and I don't know what to do!!!"...as I could hardly stop my crying long enough to get that sentence out. 

I look at pictures of my son as an infant and think that I never expected this. I just naively thought my beautiful blonde hair, blued eyed boy and I would live this fairy tale life. My boy was going to love his mama and take care of her. Little did I know that my boy would speak to me in ways that my daughters never have. I love him no less. I might even love him more. But my heart hurts and it feels like it's sitting in the bottom of my stomach right now. 

To my friends who have been praying for us today and always, my heart is filled with gratitude to have such an incredible network of people who love us. Thank you! Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we get to the root of this and do whatever we need to do to turn this around.

November 13, 2012

He'll be 9 tomorrow. 8:48pm tomorrow night to be precise. 8lbs 3oz, 21" long. My boy. The only boy on my side of the family...the golden boy.

It is hard for me to write this tonight. As a mother, my heart aches. I was called to pick my son up from school today because he had "lost it" and was out of control. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it was the first time, but this is something that we have been struggling with since he was in kindergarten. I don't know how to fix it and that breaks my heart and frustrates me and makes me angry. Not at him, but at the fact that I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that any of us (his family) do. His dad and I are taking him to the pediatrician for a consult and to see what direction we need to go from here.

As I was looking through pictures of Brenden's first few days of life I remembered the special bond we had during his early years. I was working full time and my employer let me bring him to work with me...everyday for 10 months. I had him on Friday and was back in the office to do payroll on Wednesday. :) He was always my little buddy. Always. I didn't expect it to be this way when he got older. 

This is very raw right now. It would be out of character for me to write a post that was all sunshine and rainbows because that's not reality. Regardless, I love this kid fiercely. I would give my life to spare his as any parent would. But sometimes being a parent really just sucks. The feeling of helplessness and not knowing how to make things better really, really just SUCKS. 

My boy is amazing. He is wicked smart. He is funny. And he is so capable of being a kid that is fun to be around. We will help him turn it around!

Happy 9th Birthday "Little B!"