Light at the End of the Tunnel

I consider myself "spiritual, but not religious". I believe in a higher power...God, the Universe, I'm not really sure what the power is exactly, but I believe in something greater. I have faith: faith that everything that happens in the human world is ultimately for our greater good. Sometimes those things are excruciatingly painful and don't seem to make any sense, but deep down, I believe they are ultimately a gift if we take the time to find it.

That said, this last year, I've always known there was "light at the end of the tunnel" even when I couldn't see the light, I believed it was there. I've always believed I would come out on the other side. The other day my attorney sent me an email and one of her statements was followed with..."this is the light at the end of the tunnel." I always thought when this day came I would be overcome with joy and all of a sudden I would have my life back. I would just pick up where I left off one year ago when life as I knew it abruptly came to a screeching halt. But I didn't feel the joy I expected to feel. I didn't even see the light. Nope. I guess you could say it was more of a heavy, dark rain cloud over me. As I thought about having my life back I realized that "life as I knew it" is dead and gone.

I never got to say goodbye and I never got time to mourn the loss of the life I had. While life was not without struggles and challenges, I had built my dream - my own gym and things were going pretty well. I was looking at a big change for my business and really excited about the new possibility. And then, so quickly, it was gone....along with a lot of other things I felt like I valued a lot. Just gone. No time for tears, I had a battle to fight. No time to be sad, no time to grieve...my children needed every ounce of energy I had.

In a way, it's like a car accident or some other big "event" that changes your life in an instant. Except, for me, I'm not broken as if I'd been injured in an accident. I have my health, my body is fine, mentally, I'm solid (most of the time). It's easy to look at what I lost and feel a sense of sadness. I think mostly, it's grief that I was never "permitted" (by myself) to feel. I was too busy, too focused. Now that I don't have to give 100% of my efforts to fighting the fight, I can feel all of the feelings of losing what I had.

I've beat myself up over it. I've choked back tears. I have told myself not to be sad. I get a fresh start that many people don't get. That is really exciting to me and I look forward to the rebuilding process - from determining what I want my life to look like to actually making it my reality. But before I can go forward I have to give myself the gift of grieving.

I'm not very good at letting go. I tend to hold on far too long to things and people that don't really belong in my life. Apparently, the Universe was well aware of this which is why my life didn't change in baby steps but rather in one fell swoop, overnight, yanked out from under me. I am really good at long, drawn out, emotional goodbyes...letting go of my old life would have taken me forever and I would have made it a long, painful process if left to my own vices. I believe the Universe was looking out for me...as usual.

I refuse to be "woeful" and ask "why me" because I know there is a purpose to everything that has happened in my life. But one thing I have learned is true - if you bottle it up and don't let it out it will eat you alive. So before I walk into the light I know I need to say goodbye to the dream that once was so that I can allow myself to be really excited about rebuilding my life for the new dreams, the dreams that are still alive and well and the dreams that I haven't even had yet.