Today was gorgeous...it was a postcard Seattle fall day. The sun was shining, the sky was clear and the leaves are bright orange, yellow and red. It was a day that just makes you grateful. As I felt grateful for the gorgeous weather, I felt gratitude for a plethora of other things in my life as well. And strangely, I felt grateful for a gift from a former lover that changed me forever.
A lot of times when love is lost we are bitter..."he broke my heart", "she was careless with my heart", "he used me", etc. There's almost always a blame game. But the reality is, no one can do anything to you without your consent. It takes a lot for me to say that as a victim of domestic violence, but I fully acknowledge that I allowed it to happen. Just as I've allowed every other person to treat me in any way that wasn't "up to par" with my standards (which were probably set pretty low to begin with). But...when we know better we do better. I finally "got it" by the time I got into my last relationship. I went in eyes wide open, so I knew that I only had myself to blame when it ended ever so predictably...bad.
He was one of my best teachers. It would be easy to be bitter, I suppose, if I let myself feel like he "wronged" me. But he wasn't that guy and nothing was done with the intent to hurt me. In fact, I know, with everything that I am that he loved me...fiercely. He loved me enough to let me go, to set me free. But rewind...at the very beginning of "us", he promised me he was going to teach me that I was worth more than these "douche bags" that I kept choosing. He saw everything I already was before I saw it myself. He loved me when I was invisible and he loved me just the same when people started to "see" me. He loved me when I felt like I had no power and he loved me when I was soaring with so much confidence you couldn't possibly bring me down. He let me shine. He let me shine in a way that no one else had ever let me shine before. He loved ME and he let me be me. I believe, to this day, that he set me free because together we never would have made it and he would have always been someone that held me back. I know he didn't want that for me.
Now that time has healed my heart and given me perspective I am always filled with gratitude towards him. As I consider the possibility of a new relationship, I find myself unwilling to settle for less than I deserve...because of what he taught me. He gave me a taste of what it feels like to be loved, he gave me the hope that it's out there waiting for me. And I will wait for it. I will settle for nothing less than all the amazing things I want.
The sunny fall days, the trees and this weekend remind me of the day I fell in love with him. Nothing in this life should be wasted...no lesson, no experience...we should use everything as an opportunity to grow. Sometimes growing is painful. This opportunity to grow hurt like hell. But now that I look back I realize he made me believe in love again. He filled me with hope. And he set me free to find the one that was meant to share this life with me.
For everything he gave me, he will always hold a piece of my heart.
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