What If?

What if...less is more?
What if...more isn't always better?
What if...releasing the pain of the past would actually free me up to enjoy the right here, right now?
What if...

Another Emerald Cup that has left a nasty taste in my mouth. At my own choosing, of course. I own it. I chose to do the Emerald Cup again this year for one reason and one reason only...it literally kept me alive. I don't think I have words yet to express what these last several months have felt like...dark, lonely and absolutely unreal. Every morning I would wake up just a bit dazed and confused with a heaviness in my heart that wasn't quite clear and within moments I would remember..."oh yeah, my life is falling apart."

It has been 13 days shy of 1 year now since I last saw Chris. Those days, weeks and months after it was over I thought I might die. I cried during the day, I cried at night. Truly, the pain physically hurt. I didn't think I could hurt worse than I did saying goodbye to him. And then it happened...my kids were hurt and the pain I felt losing Chris paled in comparison. It has been, by far, the most painful year of my life. Losing someone you love and watching your precious babies go through something so terrible is literally gut-wrenching. There were many days when it just felt like too much, like I couldn't possibly go on. I stopped doing a lot of the things I love. I stopped spending time with people socially. I stopped writing. I stopped caring about a lot of things.

I knew that I only had one choice...to power through and to be strong and get through this for my kids and get my kids through this. Quitting life was not an option. Having to get up each morning to do cardio because I was competing in the Emerald Cup saved my life. It got me through the worst of it. I know it's far from over, but I feel like I've gotten through the hardest part and I have somehow gathered the strength to fight this beast head-on until the truth prevails...and it will!!

I did all the work. There was nothing left undone, nothing more I could have or should have done. If

anything, I probably made my body work too hard. My stress has been through the rough, my adrenals are working overtime. There were 2 solid months of sleepless nights. I dropped my calories too low and brought my cardio up too high. I was pushing too hard...because it felt better to push to hard than to feel the pain of what I'm going through. I guess, you could say, the training was my "drug".

Last year after closing out the Emerald Cup, I turned around and brought a much better physique to the Empire Classic stage just one week later. The energy was different. It was just about ME, nobody else. No baggage. Getting out of town was helpful too. I loved it there. I loved the people...it was like insta-family and I felt good. I think it was very symbolic for me in MOVING ON! And again this year, I am feeling a huge sense of relief with Emerald Cup being behind me and I am excited about the Empire Classic.

With the help of a friend, I've decided to dial back on my cardio a bit and make some changes to my

nutrition this week. Today I'm retaining a good bit of water, but not too bad. I tried to keep my sodium under control yesterday after doing a pretty severe water cut for Emerald. I'm water loading again today with 2+ gallons of water and will do my usual depletion training this afternoon.