The Year Without Dating

After ending a relationship that was doomed from the start, I made a conscious decision to take some time to:

      A)    figure out why I kept choosing the kind of relationship that wasn’t giving me what I needed, what I desired and rather left me feeling empty, drained and emotionally bankrupt.

     B)    Give my heart time to heal from losing the first man that I truly loved so that when I did get into another relationship I was in a place where I could give of myself completely to someone new. I needed time to let go.

 

 It’s been just over a year now…a year and a week, to be exact, but who’s counting?! For the first few months of the YWOD (Year WithOut Dating) I was mostly just reeling from the loss. Nursing my broken heart, wondering if I’d ever be able to breathe again, wondering when I would feel whole again. I decided to break a bad habit that I, like many people, had created in my life: instead of feeling the pain, nursing the wounds and learning the lesson, I would immediately jump into dating again. I would try to force myself to move on, to become interested in someone else, to find someone that was going to “fix” what I perceived to be broken in me, prove my worth and numb the pain. At 37 years old, I decided it was time to stop the madness. After all, deep down I wanted something more, someone more and I know he won’t come along until I am whole and complete in myself.

 

Once I got over the initial “withdrawal” phase, I found that I really liked being just “me.” I read a lot of books, I listen to other people/”experts” who I find credible or admirable in some way. I also believe that it was time for me to come to terms and move past the fact that I had been the victim of domestic violence. This was something I always knew deep down and occasionally alluded to in my writing, but until last month I was never able to speak it out loud: “I was abused.” We see the truth when we’re ready and I guess I wasn’t ready until now.

 

As the YWOD has passed, I find myself interested in the possibility of bringing someone new into my life. I know what I want and, more importantly, I know what I’m worth and what I don’t want. It is important to be whole and complete in yourself before joining forces in a relationship with someone else. I had to be in a place where I was totally happy being who I am and recognize that I don’t need to change a damn thing about myself for anyone. I realize that I’m looking for a needle in a haystack and I am perfectly okay with that. I’m in no hurry. I don’t just want someone, I want someone exceptional and amazing and absolutely perfect for ME!

 

While I haven’t dated recently, I have dated a LOT of men. I’ve pretty much been married twice. Suffice it to say, I’ve been to the rodeo and I’ve learned a lot. So this morning I was at the gym and got into a dating discussion with a “gym dude” (he started it, not me!!!)  He was telling me about all these girls he was dating…but…they were all the same. They all had the same issues. I said…”oh yeah, I’ve done that before. Same church, different pew. You gotta find a new church dude!” He laughed and said that actually he was going to a new church. I had to clarify that I was speaking figuratively. But the thing I was telling him and that I experienced myself and that so many people experience – we keep choosing the same type of person over and over again until we finally learn the lesson. All of these people “same guy/girl, different shirt” or “same church, different pew” are sent to us as lessons. They’re temporary people sent into our lives to help us learn and grow. But more often than not, we are not aware of this or we are aware and choose to ignore the reality and just go through life creating drama after drama. Once you are aware you can learn and you can change.

 

I needed my YWOD to figure out what it was. And boy did I figure it out…in a way I never imagined. A path that was lead by my 3 little messengers, bless their hearts. Once I finally got the lesson and realized what I needed to do for MYSELF to be whole I knew that I would be ready to accept someone new into my life. I knew that I needed to be in a place where I didn’t need someone to complete me but to compliment me. I knew that I would wait for a man who would empower me and not want to manipulate and control me. I knew that I would wait for a man who didn’t want to change me, who would accept me just the way that I am. I knew that I would never settle again. I knew I was strong enough as ME to become part of a WE.