UnMarry Christmas

So you’re forging through the holiday season as a single, unmarried parent. Whether this is your first holiday season flying solo or you are a seasoned veteran, it seems like it’s always a bit awkward.

After divorce, your social circle changes quite dramatically. If you primarily socialized with other married couples prior to divorce, you may now find yourself “odd man out.” It’s a strange feeling that gets better over time as you, and those around you, get more comfortable with your new “single” status. The social events you attended with your former spouse may or may not be something you wish to attend now that you are single…that is, IF you still got invited (that sometimes depends on how the friends were split in the divorce).

Aside from the adult social events of the season, there are, of course, the children to consider. No matter how high the divorce rate may be, children from single parent home (often insensitively referred to as “broken homes”…PS ours didn’t “break”, we’re just remodeling) have a much different experience during the holidays than that of their two-parent counterparts. Because I was acutely aware of this, I have made it my number one priority every year since my divorce to make the holidays primarily about my children.

The question usually becomes…what now? You’re divorced and your old traditions may bring up feelings and emotions that make you sad, angry, bitter, etc. Obviously, these are not emotions that you want your children to feel from you, energetically (and trust me, if you’re sad, happy, mad, content…they know! Smart little suckers!) The best way I have found to combat this awkward emotional state and transition period of “married holidays” to “unmarried holidays” is creating a fresh start – NEW traditions for the new structure of your family. The best part of this is that you and your children get to do it together.

I was very apprehensive going into my first unmarried holiday season in 2009. I managed to keep myself busy by working 6 days a week. I was tired and run down, which meant I was not interested in holiday parties or being very social. But I did manage to rally for my kids. At the time my children were 3, 3, 6 and 13 and were of the age to have opinions about new traditions. It was a fun age for us to make some decisions together on how we wanted our new family holidays to look.

Our Christmas eve is all about cozy Christmas pj’s, building gingerbread houses, Papa Murphy’s pizzas and Christmas movies cuddled up on the couch together. It’s quiet, low key and relaxing. The kids love it and I love it!

Every family is different. Maybe you and your children aren’t as “chill” as we like to be and you prefer something more social and active. Figure out what will make the holiday special for you and your kids and do it…and make it FUN!

If you’re anything like me, you might find yourself with that nagging guilt of having taken away the “traditional” family holiday from your children. Let me just say…STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! Your children will follow your lead. You’re right, it’s not what they’re accustomed to, but they’re children and they’re resilient. They will adapt and they will be just fine. Your lives are going to transition and change over the years and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s part of life.

Don’t try to fight your own feelings of sadness and loss. It’s completely normal to mourn the loss of what you had, what you wished it had been and the dream that died. None of us get married thinking that it will not last. But sometimes it doesn’t. Perhaps, like me, getting divorced was something that you did for yourself to finally set yourself free. Even if that’s the case, it’s still normal to grieve the loss of the life you had, the life you had hoped for that didn’t turn out. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions. If you don’t, they will just fester and come out later.

I wrote a blog after that first Christmas of single parenting in 2009 and the last line is pretty powerful and it’s a good reminder to me still today…”all they want is me. Time is precious. Kids grow up far too quickly. Give your kids the gift of YOU.” Divorce can make the holidays look very different financially and you may be feeling like you can’t give your kids the same kinds of material gifts you did when you were married. Take it from me…your kids want YOU far more than any item on their Christmas list.