Faith Is...

It's birthday eve for my baby boy...not so much a baby anymore. He's turning 11 tomorrow. I've written before his birthday for the past couple of years and in light of our situation I wanted to be sure to continue that tradition again this year.

Turning 9 was rough. My son was going through such a troubled time and I really did not know exactly why. Just a month after his birthday my world was turned upside down. It's been a long, rough two years for all of us. But my heart is so full of joy and happiness as I look at my boy and see how far he has come, how much he has changed and how much he has healed over the past couple of years. It has been painful to watch him go through the healing process...utterly heartbreaking, to be honest. He is a constant reminder to me of the resilience of the human spirit and that love can give a person what they need to change.

I am proud to report that my son is absolutely thriving, in every way. Sure, he still acts like a 10/11 year old boy and that can be pretty annoying, but he is one great kid that I am proud to call my son. He (we) has been through some very dark times, times that were confusing and frustrating and scary and angry. But we as a family have never lost our faith and have always known that we would find our way out of the darkness, step by step and back into the light. When you are surrounded by love and faith that God will use your pain and carry you safely through the storm, you can rest assured that you will walk out on the other side of the tunnel. And step by step, we are.

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

 I adapted one of my favorite chocolate cookie recipes to make it just a little more perfect! My son has

made these famous at his school and is always taking my chocolate chip cookies to share with his buddies. I guarantee these will not last long around your house!

I like chocolate chip cookies made with shortening over butter so I decided to try a combination of both shortening and butter and the finished product was delicious! 

The addition of Jell-O instant vanilla pudding is also a key ingredient that makes these cookies so soft and chewy!

Recipe
1/2 cup Crisco Butter Flavor Shortening

1/2 cup Butter

1 cup brown sugar, packed

1 cup sugar

1 3.4oz package Jell-O Vanilla instant pudding

2 eggs

1 Tbsp vanilla

3 cups flour

1 tsp baking soda

2 tsp hot water

1 tsp salt

1 package chocolate chips (my kids like the Hershey's brand milk chocolate)

Combine shortening, butter, sugars and pudding mix and beat until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time. Slowly add vanilla. Mix in dry ingredients, combining baking soda and hot water before adding to cookie dough. Stir in chocolate chips and nuts if desired.

Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes. Cool on baking sheet for 3 minutes and transfer to cooling rack. 

Mothering My Sensory Kid

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is not a medically recognized condition but yet it IS a disability and it is very, very real. Left untreated or ignored a person can really struggle in life, primarily academically.

From a young age my Hannah was different from my other 3 children with her sensory needs. I was unaware of such a condition until the pediatrician told me he suspected this may be Hannah's condition when she was in kindergarten in a consultation we had after Hannah jumped off the roof of our house. Yes, you read that correctly: jumped off the roof. Unharmed, completely unharmed. Hannah was not very happy about spending a time out in her second story bedroom on a sunny spring Saturday so she busted out the window screen and jumped off the roof onto our front lawn. This was just the height (pun intended) of Hannah's interesting shenanigans that I could not make sense of.

Fast forward: today Hannah is in the third grade and is on ADD medication and still dealing with SPD. Hannah is the kid that likes bear hugs...as tight as you can give them. She hates loud noises like the vacuum cleaner. Hannah refuses to wear underpants because they're "too tight" and I've given up the tear-filled fights and she goes commando most days. If I would let her, Hannah would live in her pajamas...fleece pants and one of my old, soft t-shirts.

I cannot shop for Hannah unless Hannah is with me. Everything must be touched first to determine if the texture is to her liking. Buying her a new blanket is quite the ordeal. We have been known to visit half a dozen stores and touching every blanket in the store before we find the one that feels "just right." If you don't have experience with a SPD child, you're probably thinking, "well you're the parent, how silly of you to let her take you all over town so she can touch blankets." What you don't understand that finding the right blanket, pants, t-shirt or other soft, fuzzy object is critical to her functioning. She cannot calm down and she cannot focus without it. And when you find just the right textured item, it is truly like magic.

Hannah started sleeping with a bunny/blanket when she was 2 months old. She still of sleeps with it today, long after her twin sister has given up her own bunny. She cannot sleep without the bunny. She rubs its whiskers to calm herself. If she doesn't rub the bunny, she rubs her own eyebrows or eyelashes off. It is a coping mechanism, you see. You give the child the tools they need to be happy and peaceful.

When it comes to doing homework, Hannah rubs a soft fuzzy $6 stuffed animal we found at Old Navy. We discovered one morning as she was much more successful with her math homework when she was petting our kitten simultaneously. So, we decided to try a stuffed animal so she could have something soft to rub while working at school since taking the kitten along wasn't exactly an option. This one, seemingly simple, thing is the difference between academic success or frustration for my 8 year old.

This kind of thing can sound a little crazy, until it happens to your kid...which means it happens to you. You can resist it and try to force your child to be "normal" (what is that exactly, I don't know) or you can learn about the disorder and educate yourself about children (and adults) with sensory disorders. It is very real. While the medical community may not yet embrace it as a medical condition, it does exist and measures can be taken to improve the individual's quality of life.

I have found the path of least resistance has been a lot more peaceful and happier for all of us.

Not Broken. Just Stronger

We are supposed to thank the people who try to break us because they've made us stronger. I have learned that first hand over the last few years. And because of that, I decided that I would make myself strong, I would make myself a better mother, friend and person. I have been changed and for that, I can only say thank you.

“The kids don’t need to see a counselor, they need a better mom.” He told me that over and over again. I cried. I was angry. And then I realized…he was right.

I was always a good mother. From the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child (that’d be September 15, 1995 to be exact) all I wanted to do was get it right. I wanted to learn everything that was needed to be learned so I could be the perfect mom. As we know, there is no such thing as a perfect mom, a perfect woman, a perfect person, a perfect anything. There is just doing the best we can do. And I always did my best for them.

My kids needed more. They needed me to stop everything and give them 100% of my attention. They needed me to connect in a way that I hadn’t ever connected before. They needed all of me, not just pieces of me. They needed to witness the depth of my love. They needed me to prove that my love has no limits and that I will walk through the fire to fight for their rights – their rights to be happy, to have love, to live without fear. And that is what they got. They needed a better mom and they got that.

The Voice That Doesn't Lie

I've always considered myself to be a pretty "intuitive" person and I've always felt like my intuitive instincts were usually right on target. But what I taught myself to do over the years was to shut down that intuition...my "inner voice." I became very skilled at silencing my intuition and in retrospect, made many decisions in my life that did not lead to optimal circumstances and could have been avoided had I listened to my intuition. I say this with no regrets but more of an awareness and obviously, a big lesson (okay, many lessonS) learned.

I remember the day very clearly...the day that my inner voice became so loud (I like to say it was yelling at me) there was no possible way I could silence it. It was a hot sunny day in May, warmer than usual. I was sitting in my car outside the gym, talking on the phone, very uncomfortable, dripping in sweat. "Hang up the phone! HANG UP THE PHONE!!! JUST. HANG. UP." It was the first time I'd ever had an experience like this...the voice was loud and unavoidable. The message was crystal clear: run far, run fast and whatever you do, don't look back. And it was the first time I decided to listen to the voice, my intuition. It wasn't going to allow me to deny it this time.

After that moment, I decided I would start listening to that voice from now on. My life changed when I decided to stop silencing my intuition and start listening...and following it. When I started listening I started making better choices for myself. But what has taken time is for me to start trusting my intuition, trusting myself. It's like practicing...you have to practice listening to your intuition and letting it show you that it's right and the more you do this the more you learn to trust it.

Our heads get in the way so often. We decide, cognitively, that we want something to be a certain way and then it becomes hard for us to honor our intuition. And it always comes down to one thing...FEAR. Fear is the thing that blocks our intuition and it does it very, very well. The fear doesn't just go away when you listen to your intuition, you just have to decide that even though you're afraid you're going to trust your intuition anyway. Trust that sometimes your heart knows what your head refuses to acknowledge.

Be Your F*cking Self

I used to have this friend, Michael...he forever changed my life. He changed me. He was my "catalyst" and it makes me sad to even think that, to really know and admit it. I know he knew it all along too. I met Michael about 6 months before I filed for divorce. It was a flirtation, nothing serious by any means. I remember driving to Vancouver with my girlfriend Kristie and asking her what I should say when he asks me if I am married...because that was coming next. Sadly, I did not want to say "yes, I'm married." So Kristie and I brainstormed that I would respond with..."Well, technically, I am married." Realizing that I was curious about the "what if" in the prospect of another man was the moment I knew that it was really time to get out of my marriage.

I never had a romantic relationship with Michael. The flirtation intensified, we made out after I separated and then we mutually agreed that we should just be friends. He was a really good friend to me. He was my rock. He was one of my "cape finders" for over a year of my life. He was by my side when I needed someone the most. And he believed in me and saw something in me that I couldn't yet see in myself. 

When I was ready to date again I would discuss my dates with Michael. "Why do you always go out with these losers who treat you like crap?" He was always brutally honest with me. Our friendship fell apart. It fell apart because of me. I was going on a second date with a dude who was shorter than me and I asked Michael for "shoe advice." I love to wear heels and I knew that my heels would make me taller than my date so I was discussing the "flats" option with Michael. The mere mention of compromising ME for a dude really fired him up.

I remember exactly where we were...the squat rack at Gold's. I was doing deadlifts and it was a Friday afternoon. He yelled at me. No, I'm not exaggerating. He really yelled at me. "BE YOUR FUCKING SELF DAMMIT!" I thought maybe he was jealous, but now I get it. And he was right.

I realize how many years I have spent doing things to be what I have thought other people expected of me. Or what other people wanted me to be. When I opened my gym I thought I should down-play my bodybuilder life so I would appeal to the right clientele. Well, that was dumb. I am who I am. I'm a bodybuilder. Why pretend to be someone and something I'm not?! It's exhausting and it gets old very quickly. Not to mention, it attracts the wrong kind of people to me. People who are not like me, people who end up exasperating me.

I was on the stepmill at Gold's the other night and I was looking out into the weight room and that conversation with Michael, one of our last, came back to me so vividly. It was definitely an "Ah-Ha!" moment. It took me nearly 2 years, but I understand now why he was so frustrated with me. I worked so hard to be someone I wasn't in so many situations for such a long time in my life. As I relived that conversation with Michael I was so incredibly grateful to him for being so brutally honest with me. For respecting me enough to tell me the truth.

Whenever I think about compromising myself to be what I think someone else wants me to be I will hear his words in my mind...BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!! (dammit)

Thanks M! ;)

F*ck The Rules

I've never really "enjoyed" dating. The main reason for this is that I don't like the "game." I don't believe in following "rules" when it comes to living my life and what I've found in the dating world - it's a game and you've got to play but the rules.

But here's the thing...when it's REAL, there aren't RULES.

For me, following the rules meant being someone other than my authentic self. I think it's safe to say that none of us are as good at being something other than our true selves. Playing the game meant going against my natural instincts and ignoring my intuition. I just wasn't good at playing by the rules when it came to dating.

If a guy texted me and I was available to text right back, I would. Because waiting 37 minutes or 2.33 hours or whatever the "rule" is just didn't feel right to me. I've never really felt the need to make it about a "chase". They say men like to chase and if you're too available, well, they just might lose interest in you. If I was available, I was available. If I wasn't, I wasn't. I never lied or made shit up in an attempt to make a dude feel like he was having to "work". I have a busy life so I wasn't always available as it was, I didn't need to make stuff up. If you're in a position where you're having to make up having a life so that a guy (or girl) will be more interested in you, perhaps you should consider that you don't have enough personal interests. The point is, put yourself first. If you put yourself first you'll never have to play the game and make things up because you're to busy "doing you." Enjoy your own company and pursue your own interests so that being in a relationship serves to compliment your already awesome life!

After enough dating, being married, more of enough dating I decided that "rules" just weren't for me when it came to finding "the one." Any time I felt like someone was game playing, I ran the opposite direction as quickly as I could. I suppose most of this comes with age. As I have become confident in who I am and completely comfortable in my own skin I no longer feel the need to play a game that forces me to compromise who I am and what I believe.

When we feel the need to follow "rules" we compromise our own desires and often times, our standards, for what we think is acceptable in our society. But when it comes to love and really, any relationships, I don't believe that being anything less than real and being our authentic selves leads to lasting and fulfilling relationships. This is why so many people get into a relationship and shortly after everybody is comfortable things seem to change. People get comfortable after they feel secure in the relationship so they let their guard down, they stop playing the game and their real self comes out. This is where many relationships head south. Who we were when we were playing the game is not who we truly are when all is said and done.

I am not saying that we shouldn't put our best foot forward when we're dating, but when we're dating, the

game isn't going to get us very far in the long term. It may result in more dates with a person of interest, but what is the long term impact of the game on the relationship? Not very good, in my opinion. Forget the game. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Of course, you want to make a good impression, but you should want to make a good impression a year from now, 5 years from now, 20 years from now. Never let comfort allow you to take your partner for granted. Never let comfort allow you to become complacent.

There are no rules when it comes to love. Love is not a game.

When it's real you don't need to play games to win your partner over, just being YOU will be enough.

Mr Wrongs & Kissing Frogs

I recently read a blog post by a single gal about what most women want in a man and I decided to take the time to read through the comments on the post itself and on her affiliated social media sites. I find it fascinating, I guess...especially as someone who has spent the last 4 1/2 years mostly single. While I have dated (more than I care to admit) and had a few not-so-serious and one serious relationship during that time, I consider myself single for all intents and purposes.

I've dated a lot of Mr Wrongs and I have kissed a lot of frogs. I like to think I kissed more than my fair share - so considering I've taken a few "for the team"...you're welcome ladies! The last year and a half (the "YWOD") I decided to take time off. I kept choosing the wrong dude over and over and over again and it was time to figure out why and fix it. Why was I picking Mr. Wrong? Because I thought that was all I deserved and that was also all I knew. It was my habit to pick guys that weren't going to treat me right because I was never going to expect them to. After the year was over and I felt like I was ready to date again I found myself taking an entirely different approach than I ever had before, which resulted in about one date in the last 6 months. If there was any doubt in my mind, I said no. My time is precious and I no longer needed to fill it with some guy that was going to give me the wrong kind of attention for a few minutes.

Taking full responsibility for my decisions in my dating life, I believe, is huge in getting to where I am now. I never went through a "man hating" stage and I never blamed men for the fact that I was single. I see this happen with women a lot. We allow ourselves to play the victim - "men are not treating us the way we want and therefore we are single." No, that's not it. There are equally as many bad women out there as there are men. Pointing the finger and saying that "men suck" or "women suck" is probably not going to get you very far on the path to finding your soul mate.

Like attracts like. It's hard to own that sometimes when you realize that the kind of people you are attracting are not at all the kind of people that you want to hang with. But it's true. If you don't value yourself, if you don't expect someone to treat you with respect you sure aren't going to get it. And when you do expect to be treated well and treated respectfully you'll notice that those are the people that are in your life.

When we stop pointing the finger at other people and start looking in the mirror we make progress. Sometimes you have to be still and take a "time out" to really figure out what it is you want in your life and get to a place where you truly feel like you deserve all that you want. When we stop blaming and start working on ourselves miracles happen when you least expect it.

It's out there. You have to believe, you have to wait for it and you have to settle for nothing less.