Be Your F*cking Self

I used to have this friend, Michael...he forever changed my life. He changed me. He was my "catalyst" and it makes me sad to even think that, to really know and admit it. I know he knew it all along too. I met Michael about 6 months before I filed for divorce. It was a flirtation, nothing serious by any means. I remember driving to Vancouver with my girlfriend Kristie and asking her what I should say when he asks me if I am married...because that was coming next. Sadly, I did not want to say "yes, I'm married." So Kristie and I brainstormed that I would respond with..."Well, technically, I am married." Realizing that I was curious about the "what if" in the prospect of another man was the moment I knew that it was really time to get out of my marriage.

I never had a romantic relationship with Michael. The flirtation intensified, we made out after I separated and then we mutually agreed that we should just be friends. He was a really good friend to me. He was my rock. He was one of my "cape finders" for over a year of my life. He was by my side when I needed someone the most. And he believed in me and saw something in me that I couldn't yet see in myself. 

When I was ready to date again I would discuss my dates with Michael. "Why do you always go out with these losers who treat you like crap?" He was always brutally honest with me. Our friendship fell apart. It fell apart because of me. I was going on a second date with a dude who was shorter than me and I asked Michael for "shoe advice." I love to wear heels and I knew that my heels would make me taller than my date so I was discussing the "flats" option with Michael. The mere mention of compromising ME for a dude really fired him up.

I remember exactly where we were...the squat rack at Gold's. I was doing deadlifts and it was a Friday afternoon. He yelled at me. No, I'm not exaggerating. He really yelled at me. "BE YOUR FUCKING SELF DAMMIT!" I thought maybe he was jealous, but now I get it. And he was right.

I realize how many years I have spent doing things to be what I have thought other people expected of me. Or what other people wanted me to be. When I opened my gym I thought I should down-play my bodybuilder life so I would appeal to the right clientele. Well, that was dumb. I am who I am. I'm a bodybuilder. Why pretend to be someone and something I'm not?! It's exhausting and it gets old very quickly. Not to mention, it attracts the wrong kind of people to me. People who are not like me, people who end up exasperating me.

I was on the stepmill at Gold's the other night and I was looking out into the weight room and that conversation with Michael, one of our last, came back to me so vividly. It was definitely an "Ah-Ha!" moment. It took me nearly 2 years, but I understand now why he was so frustrated with me. I worked so hard to be someone I wasn't in so many situations for such a long time in my life. As I relived that conversation with Michael I was so incredibly grateful to him for being so brutally honest with me. For respecting me enough to tell me the truth.

Whenever I think about compromising myself to be what I think someone else wants me to be I will hear his words in my mind...BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!! (dammit)

Thanks M! ;)