The Voice That Doesn't Lie

I've always considered myself to be a pretty "intuitive" person and I've always felt like my intuitive instincts were usually right on target. But what I taught myself to do over the years was to shut down that intuition...my "inner voice." I became very skilled at silencing my intuition and in retrospect, made many decisions in my life that did not lead to optimal circumstances and could have been avoided had I listened to my intuition. I say this with no regrets but more of an awareness and obviously, a big lesson (okay, many lessonS) learned.

I remember the day very clearly...the day that my inner voice became so loud (I like to say it was yelling at me) there was no possible way I could silence it. It was a hot sunny day in May, warmer than usual. I was sitting in my car outside the gym, talking on the phone, very uncomfortable, dripping in sweat. "Hang up the phone! HANG UP THE PHONE!!! JUST. HANG. UP." It was the first time I'd ever had an experience like this...the voice was loud and unavoidable. The message was crystal clear: run far, run fast and whatever you do, don't look back. And it was the first time I decided to listen to the voice, my intuition. It wasn't going to allow me to deny it this time.

After that moment, I decided I would start listening to that voice from now on. My life changed when I decided to stop silencing my intuition and start listening...and following it. When I started listening I started making better choices for myself. But what has taken time is for me to start trusting my intuition, trusting myself. It's like practicing...you have to practice listening to your intuition and letting it show you that it's right and the more you do this the more you learn to trust it.

Our heads get in the way so often. We decide, cognitively, that we want something to be a certain way and then it becomes hard for us to honor our intuition. And it always comes down to one thing...FEAR. Fear is the thing that blocks our intuition and it does it very, very well. The fear doesn't just go away when you listen to your intuition, you just have to decide that even though you're afraid you're going to trust your intuition anyway. Trust that sometimes your heart knows what your head refuses to acknowledge.

Be Your F*cking Self

I used to have this friend, Michael...he forever changed my life. He changed me. He was my "catalyst" and it makes me sad to even think that, to really know and admit it. I know he knew it all along too. I met Michael about 6 months before I filed for divorce. It was a flirtation, nothing serious by any means. I remember driving to Vancouver with my girlfriend Kristie and asking her what I should say when he asks me if I am married...because that was coming next. Sadly, I did not want to say "yes, I'm married." So Kristie and I brainstormed that I would respond with..."Well, technically, I am married." Realizing that I was curious about the "what if" in the prospect of another man was the moment I knew that it was really time to get out of my marriage.

I never had a romantic relationship with Michael. The flirtation intensified, we made out after I separated and then we mutually agreed that we should just be friends. He was a really good friend to me. He was my rock. He was one of my "cape finders" for over a year of my life. He was by my side when I needed someone the most. And he believed in me and saw something in me that I couldn't yet see in myself. 

When I was ready to date again I would discuss my dates with Michael. "Why do you always go out with these losers who treat you like crap?" He was always brutally honest with me. Our friendship fell apart. It fell apart because of me. I was going on a second date with a dude who was shorter than me and I asked Michael for "shoe advice." I love to wear heels and I knew that my heels would make me taller than my date so I was discussing the "flats" option with Michael. The mere mention of compromising ME for a dude really fired him up.

I remember exactly where we were...the squat rack at Gold's. I was doing deadlifts and it was a Friday afternoon. He yelled at me. No, I'm not exaggerating. He really yelled at me. "BE YOUR FUCKING SELF DAMMIT!" I thought maybe he was jealous, but now I get it. And he was right.

I realize how many years I have spent doing things to be what I have thought other people expected of me. Or what other people wanted me to be. When I opened my gym I thought I should down-play my bodybuilder life so I would appeal to the right clientele. Well, that was dumb. I am who I am. I'm a bodybuilder. Why pretend to be someone and something I'm not?! It's exhausting and it gets old very quickly. Not to mention, it attracts the wrong kind of people to me. People who are not like me, people who end up exasperating me.

I was on the stepmill at Gold's the other night and I was looking out into the weight room and that conversation with Michael, one of our last, came back to me so vividly. It was definitely an "Ah-Ha!" moment. It took me nearly 2 years, but I understand now why he was so frustrated with me. I worked so hard to be someone I wasn't in so many situations for such a long time in my life. As I relived that conversation with Michael I was so incredibly grateful to him for being so brutally honest with me. For respecting me enough to tell me the truth.

Whenever I think about compromising myself to be what I think someone else wants me to be I will hear his words in my mind...BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!! (dammit)

Thanks M! ;)

F*ck The Rules

I've never really "enjoyed" dating. The main reason for this is that I don't like the "game." I don't believe in following "rules" when it comes to living my life and what I've found in the dating world - it's a game and you've got to play but the rules.

But here's the thing...when it's REAL, there aren't RULES.

For me, following the rules meant being someone other than my authentic self. I think it's safe to say that none of us are as good at being something other than our true selves. Playing the game meant going against my natural instincts and ignoring my intuition. I just wasn't good at playing by the rules when it came to dating.

If a guy texted me and I was available to text right back, I would. Because waiting 37 minutes or 2.33 hours or whatever the "rule" is just didn't feel right to me. I've never really felt the need to make it about a "chase". They say men like to chase and if you're too available, well, they just might lose interest in you. If I was available, I was available. If I wasn't, I wasn't. I never lied or made shit up in an attempt to make a dude feel like he was having to "work". I have a busy life so I wasn't always available as it was, I didn't need to make stuff up. If you're in a position where you're having to make up having a life so that a guy (or girl) will be more interested in you, perhaps you should consider that you don't have enough personal interests. The point is, put yourself first. If you put yourself first you'll never have to play the game and make things up because you're to busy "doing you." Enjoy your own company and pursue your own interests so that being in a relationship serves to compliment your already awesome life!

After enough dating, being married, more of enough dating I decided that "rules" just weren't for me when it came to finding "the one." Any time I felt like someone was game playing, I ran the opposite direction as quickly as I could. I suppose most of this comes with age. As I have become confident in who I am and completely comfortable in my own skin I no longer feel the need to play a game that forces me to compromise who I am and what I believe.

When we feel the need to follow "rules" we compromise our own desires and often times, our standards, for what we think is acceptable in our society. But when it comes to love and really, any relationships, I don't believe that being anything less than real and being our authentic selves leads to lasting and fulfilling relationships. This is why so many people get into a relationship and shortly after everybody is comfortable things seem to change. People get comfortable after they feel secure in the relationship so they let their guard down, they stop playing the game and their real self comes out. This is where many relationships head south. Who we were when we were playing the game is not who we truly are when all is said and done.

I am not saying that we shouldn't put our best foot forward when we're dating, but when we're dating, the

game isn't going to get us very far in the long term. It may result in more dates with a person of interest, but what is the long term impact of the game on the relationship? Not very good, in my opinion. Forget the game. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Of course, you want to make a good impression, but you should want to make a good impression a year from now, 5 years from now, 20 years from now. Never let comfort allow you to take your partner for granted. Never let comfort allow you to become complacent.

There are no rules when it comes to love. Love is not a game.

When it's real you don't need to play games to win your partner over, just being YOU will be enough.