Actually, You ARE Beautiful!

I saw this quote from Steve Maraboli in my Instagram feed this morning and I wanted to do more than share it, I wanted to address it because it is such a big issue for women in general but women who have been in a relationship of domestic violence especially.

The physical wounds of domestic violence heal, they may leave scars, reminders, but they don't bleed anymore. However, the verbal and emotional abuse of domestic violence is not nearly as easy to heal and to recover from. And abusers will argue that "they're just words and words aren't abuse" or "they didn't mean any of it" (they never do, do they?) The problem with words is you can't take them back. You can apologize, but they're still there in the back of your mind...sometimes playing over and over like a broken record.You hear the record enough times and you start to believe that these words are true. Undoing the damage of domestic violence is hard work and it takes a commitment to yourself to overcome it...something your abuser has taught you that you're absolutely not worthy of.

Bull shit! Bull shit bull shit BULL SHIT!

First you have to believe that you are worth more than the lies someone sold you. And then you have to do the work on YOU to move beyond those lies and get them out of your head once and for all. For me, the first part of this has been acknowledging the abuse. For years I have held my hands over my ears, closed my eyes and "lalalalala - I can't hear you". This didn't happen. This couldn't happen...not to me, anyway. But it does. Domestic violence in the form of verbal and emotional abuse is very prevalent in our society today and it knows no boundaries - white collar, blue collar, high income, low income - domestic violence don't care. And so, while you may be like me, hiding in the "pretty picture" of your suburban home, big diamond rings, loaded SUV, adorable children and neatly landscaped yard, the truth is still behind it all, covered up but not going anywhere until it's acknowledged.

Some people find it hard to believe that words I frequently heard were things like:

"No red-blooded man would ever want you."
"Your body is repulsive."

But I did. And I never told anyone. I was not only ashamed, but deep down inside I wondered if maybe he was right - was I really that awful and ugly. My belief in his words lead me to a sequence of relationships with men whose treatment of me confirmed that his words were true. UNTIL...*this part is important ladies!!!* UNTIL...I decided that he was wrong. Until I decided that he was a liar and that his ugly words were about how he felt about himself and held no truth about who I am and whether or not I was beautiful or worthy.

Ultimately, we are the only person responsible for the beliefs and values we let into our minds. And sometimes that means we have to rid ourselves of ugly things we let inside by people who feel so small they need to bring others down to their level. Only when we figure this out, accept it and make the choice to move ourselves beyond it is when we heal. Choose to heal.

You are beautiful. Say it until you believe it. 

The Big Red Flag

The "red flags" - we all know about them and let's be honest, we all know what they are, whether or not we choose to see them is the real truth of the matter.

I believe that when it comes to dating and really any relationship, there are red flags or "warning signs." The red flags are deal breakers, obvious STOP signs. They are not "proceed with caution" signs, nope, they are stop-in-your-tracks-and-turn-the-fuck-around-signs.

So, here is what I have learned about red flags -

First of all, a red flag is a huge warning sign and in my experience the red flag is a character trait or situation with an individual that is a) not negotiable and b) not something that can or will change. It is what it is. And it IS a deal breaker. I'm currently single, so as you can see, I have not yet met a man with no red flags and while I was able to put my blinders on for a time with every single man I was ever with who had red flags (um, that's ALL of them, in case you didn't get the subtle hint earlier), ultimately the red flags became something that I couldn't tolerate any longer.

You can refuse to see the red flag, but deep down at your core level, subconsciously, you are well aware the red flag is there but you choose to ignore it, bury it and hope that if you close your eyes, cover your ears and hum really loud it may just go away. It won't. And another thing I have learned: getting pissed off at your friends for pointing out the red flag usually means at some point you have to go groveling back with the "OMG you were so right! Why didn't I see it before?!" You did, you just chose to ignore it which is why your friend's honesty struck a nerve the way it did. The truth hurts. And if you accept the truth then you have to deal with it which usually means terminating a relationship that, for whatever reason, you are not yet ready to terminate. Hey, it's cool...been there done that. Just make sure you learn the lesson the first time. (Unlike me, I've had to take this class a few times before I finally got it.)

Red flags are different for each individual. What may be a red flag for me may not be a red flag for you. Clearly, in the past I was willing to accept red flags that are now complete, hands-down, no-second-date, deal breakers. Only you know what's a deal breaker for you. I have found, personally, that as I get older and closer to 40 I am very clear on what I want and even more clear of what I do NOT want. I'm picky these days...but rightfully so. We should all be picky and hold out for nothing less than amazing, someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.

I have found that my friends are actually a very useful resource when it comes to red flagging. My friends and family have developed a "judging panel" that will be an integral part of the next relationship I enter. (And I'm only half kidding here...they're pretty darn protective of me) Love is blind, right? Our friends and loved ones do not have the love goggles on in a new relationship the way we do. But, the thing here is you have to be open and willing to take a step back when they point out a red flag, not hate on them and make an honest assessment of the situation:
Are your friends right?
Is it too early to tell?
Do you need more time to find out?
Develop a strategy and do not move forward until you have a game plan. Trust me here, if you have the kind of friends I do (the ones who walk thru the fire with you) they have earned the right to look out for you.

When a relationship is over you can usually look back in hindsight and see all the red flags with clear vision. It's okay. Let it go. Forgive yourself and move on. I have tortured myself with the "whys" and finally I've concluded...the "why" doesn't matter. What matters is I learned the lesson, maybe continue to learn lessons. But what is most important is that you learned and that you can forgive yourself, stop beating yourself up and move on to something and someone that is deserving of all that you are.

Be willing to being more aware of red flags and addressing them when you see them. You owe it to yourself to have a "NO TOLERANCE" policy for red flags.

Power to the Scale!

Yesterday morning my alarm went off. Day 2 on my new program with my new coach and we have resumed

daily weigh-ins, a practice I have avoided for more than 6 months now. Ever since "the shit went down" in December and my body went into cortisol overload (read: "got fat") I have avoided that thing like the plague. It's all dusty and stuff. I knew that the number in that little device was not what I wanted it to be, so I made sure not to step on it...because if I didn't step on it, I could keep lying to myself. But not anymore. Coach needs daily weigh ins and I know, as a seasoned figure competitor and contest prep coach myself, they are a necessary part of the process.

Yet, here I was yesterday, walking from my bed towards the bathroom door as slowly as possible, dreading the moment I'd have to get on. What would it say? Would it be up? Would it be down? Would I be worthy? Or would I be a fat pile of shit today? (Yeah, you all thought I was immune to this bullshit, didn't you? Not so much) As I'm making the long walk to the bathroom, I am hearing Steve's voice in my head and remembering this quote..."It's just a number, Jules, it does not reflect who you are or what you are worth. Take it at face value and then move on with the day." (Steve has yet to call me Jules, but I'm sure it's coming...it would probably sound more like..."You're a BADASS! Now get on the scale and move on!") And with that, I got on the scale, noted the pound and half decrease from the day before and went on with my day.

I know that I am not alone in my relationship with the scale. I know that many women are just like me...you can wake up feeling like you own the world, step on that scale and if the number isn't what you want...game over, might as well crawl back in bed. And the thing is, I know...of all people, I know...the scale is truly just a number. Water, muscle, hormones and a gamut of other factors can cause the scale to go up or down in a day's time. And mostly, I know that the number on the scale doesn't have any indication of my worth as a person. Gaining a few pounds doesn't make me a lazy fat ass, just like losing a few pounds doesn't make me superior to anyone who might have weight to lose.

Once I got that quote of Steve's in my head I was able to refocus and remind myself that it truly IS just a number and doesn't have any reflection of my value or worth as a human being. Now, it's still important to make note of the number from a health standpoint as we all know that being overweight is absolutely not healthy...but if the number isn't what you want right now, it's OKAY. If you know that you are doing what you need to do to get your health where you need it to be -

• Do you have a plan? 
• Are you working your plan?
• Are you doing things each day to take care of yourself and your physical wellness

If you can answer YES to all of the above, then you have no reason to let the scale dictate your mood. If you know you need to do work and you're not doing it then let this be a reminder to get going - stop wishing, hoping, dreaming and planning and get to work.

Focus on your strengths and all that you are - which is much more than a number on the scale!

Get on that scale, make a note of the number and move on! 

Scoop The Poop

I was having a "moment" earlier today. Grumbling in my own head about this or that and referring to a certain "thing" as a "pile of shit." And then I started laughing at myself because as soon as I thought of this "thing" as a "pile of shit" my mind immediately thought of scooping poop in the backyard. Okay, not that I even have to do that...because I don't even have a dog and all my kids are potty trained, so I'm not even sure where poop scooping came into my head...but it did. So then, it made sense to me figuratively - we all have to "scoop the poop" now and then and clean up our yard. Get rid of the shit that's stinkin' up the place.

Your "shit" can take many forms - people, things, jobs, situations, events - it doesn't really matter what the "shit" is, it's just something that's weighing you down, cluttering your mind, having a negative impact in your life at the current time. A few months ago when I was vacating my business space, I was throwing away stuff left and right. I came home one day and tore into a closet. I threw away almost everything in the closet. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was purging my entire house....scooping the poop, if you will. It was cleansing. I had stuff I hadn't used in years. Stuff that belonged to my former husband who hadn't lived in my house in nearly 4 years. Items that no longer had any place or use in my life. Just shit, taking up space...in every way.

During this time, I found myself scooping poop in every area of my life. Things, people, activities. If it wasn't adding some kind of value to my life, I decided it was time to get rid of it, time to start fresh. I never realized how many things were going on in my life that were just weighing me down, mentally, emotionally and physically until I started removing them from my life. It was freeing. I decided that I needed to keep doing this on a daily basis. Not just a regular basis, but an Everyday basis. What deserves to be a part of my life (who deserves to be a part of my life) and what do I need to let go of.

Your "shit" can be physical or it can be mental, emotional stuff that's cluttering up your mind. The great thing about either one of those is that we have complete control over whether we're going to go in the backyard and clean it up or if we're going to leave it sit there and fertilize the weeds growing in our shitty grass. I had this moment the other night...

I went back to a place I hadn't been in awhile. It held a lot of memories that I wasn't ready to let go of and I feared going back to this place would bring me more pain than I could handle, I sat in this place and I let my mind go back to that place in time. I started to cry. And I quickly realized...I don't have  to go back there in my mind. I don't have to think these thoughts that are just "piles of shit" in my head. (Ok, they weren't that bad, but they were not freeing me up to live in the NOW) I even said it out loud to myself..."Julie, you don't HAVE to go there! Stop! Stop now." And I did. And all of a sudden I had this huge sense of freedom. 

As with all of our thoughts, we get to choose which memories we want to entertain and which ones we don't. It's clutter. It's shit that weighs us down.

Whether your "piles of shit" are physical, mental or emotional...get out there and scoop the freakin' poop! The longer we leave it out there, the stinkier it gets. Get rid of it! Clean out the clutter. Get rid of the people, the things, the situations that do not bring you joy or add some kind of value to your life. Get rid of the thoughts that drag you down by your own doing. Quit living in the past and dwelling on what WAS and focus on what is and what WILL be.

You'll find life is much more enjoyable when you scoop the poop in your life on a regular basis.

Hell Yes, I'm Holding a Grudge!

“Forgiveness is not something you do. It is a state of being, that when offered, brings forth the truth of who you really are.”

~Iyanla Vanzant

I’ve never enjoyed playing the “blame game.” I was taught at a young age to take responsibility for my actions and my parents always held me accountable for my choices – good and no-so-good. I learned that with every action and decision there was a consequence, be it positive or negative and that I had to live with that consequence. I have made some big choices in my life that have come with costly consequences, however, as I look back, I would do nothing different as those choices shaped who I am today. I didn’t choose the “easy” road and often times chose to take a challenging path instead. But my choices made me strong.

I have thought a lot about forgiveness lately. As I’ve looked at the recent events in my life and the people that have impacted where I am today I realize, I don’t really hold any grudges or harbor bitter resentments. I realize that I made the choices I did and that if I have been hurt it was by my own choosing. I don’t blame those other people. But I sure as hell blamed myself. Oh yes, I have beat myself up real good…”girl, you are gonna have to pay for that! Another bad decision, way to go!” Yep, I was holding a big ass grudge – against myself.

It’s not just me, many of us do it. If  you take accountability for your decisions and own your choices, chances are you’ve fallen into the trap of holding a grudge against yourself. It can manifest in many ways. Withholding things, relationships, experiences from yourself because you deem yourself unworthy – after all, you’re holding a grudge against you. You certainly don’t deserve to have anything “good.”

I did this to myself for a long time. I would deny myself friends/relationships, simple pleasures, experiences and vacations, rest…because I didn’t deserve it. I had gotten myself into this shitty situation and now I was going to have to pay for it. And how did that work? Not so well! How do I know? Because as much as I withheld from myself, as long as I kept punishing myself…I was not getting anywhere close to redemption in my own head.

And then finally it clicks…”Ah-fucking-ha!”…you can keep punishing yourself, you can hold the grudge for as long as you want but until you decide to forgive you own self, you are not moving ahead. You are going to stay stuck, right there, in grudgy-grudge purgatory, until you figure it out! Funny how life just works that way…keeps sending you lesson after lesson until you pass the test, figure it out and start moving forward.

I own it. I always own it. I made these choices that got me into some situations that had some serious repercussions but I never did so with the conscious thought of “fucking shit up.” I was always doing the best I knew how to do. I was doing what I thought was the right thing at the time. Most of us are trying our best and if we’re out there trying, we’re really living …well, we’re going to screw some shit up. It’s life. Learn from it, FORGIVE yourself, let go so that you are free to move on and move forward. Have the courage to let your old habit of holding a grudge against yourself die.