We Don't Lose, We Just Move On

I’ve learned a lot about relationships over the past few years…the last 6 months, especially. When we experience extraordinarily challenging times in our lives it often becomes clear who our real friends are. I have found that my relationships have been strengthened, dissolved or “back-burnered” and moved to an acquaintance level.

There is a quote I love – “We never lose friends, we just learn who our real friends are.” I believe this is true. As we go through life we have many relationships – personal, romantic, professional. The expectation that people come into our lives to stay is not realistic. We are all in a constant state of change and that means our relationships will evolve and change as we do. Accepting that most relationships are “seasonal” can help us to see the relationship as a gift and for the lessons we learned when it comes to an end rather than being bitter or holding a grudge or harboring other negative feelings.

Relationships with others are a gift. Every relationship has the potential to offer us an opportunity to grow and to impact the lives of others in a positive way. However, part of our human nature is that some of us are more “poison” to one another, meaning that we end up creating more drama and negativity than necessary. It’s just the way life is. Learning to recognize these people that serve as “poison” early on can save us a lot of heart ache and learning to know how to handle these types of relationships and accepting the fact that it is okay to let them go can free up a lot of emotional space in our lives.

I’ve always been a “people pleaser”. I want to make everyone happy, even if it means sacrificing myself and my own feelings and desires to do so. I’m not alone, many of us do this. It is not an admirable quality. Denying who you are and how you feel is a disservice to everyone, primarily to yourself.

 

One of the most valuable lessons about relationships that I have learned over the last 6 months is that it is okay to let go. It is okay to decline participating in a relationship that does not feed my soul. It is okay to admit that there are friends, partners, family members and clients that do not add value to my life. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with me or with the other person – simply that together, we aren’t providing value to one another. I have learned to step quietly away from relationships that aren’t serving me, relationships that cause me more angst than peace. I have learned that it is perfectly acceptable to walk away from relationships and people that do not encourage and support who I am and who I have the potential to become.

Life is a constant lesson. Every day we are learning and growing into ourselves…if we choose to be in a state of awareness to receive the lessons. It’s not always easy to realize and move away from those relationships that are toxic to us, but if we become more aware of them, at least we have the conscious choice to stay in or move away. Letting go isn’t easy and sometimes we’re not ready. That’s okay too. Just being aware that it’s something we probably need to learn to let go of is sometimes all we need to do. All things happen in perfect timing.

We never “lose” people, we move on.

 

 

The Year Without Dating

After ending a relationship that was doomed from the start, I made a conscious decision to take some time to:

      A)    figure out why I kept choosing the kind of relationship that wasn’t giving me what I needed, what I desired and rather left me feeling empty, drained and emotionally bankrupt.

     B)    Give my heart time to heal from losing the first man that I truly loved so that when I did get into another relationship I was in a place where I could give of myself completely to someone new. I needed time to let go.

 

 It’s been just over a year now…a year and a week, to be exact, but who’s counting?! For the first few months of the YWOD (Year WithOut Dating) I was mostly just reeling from the loss. Nursing my broken heart, wondering if I’d ever be able to breathe again, wondering when I would feel whole again. I decided to break a bad habit that I, like many people, had created in my life: instead of feeling the pain, nursing the wounds and learning the lesson, I would immediately jump into dating again. I would try to force myself to move on, to become interested in someone else, to find someone that was going to “fix” what I perceived to be broken in me, prove my worth and numb the pain. At 37 years old, I decided it was time to stop the madness. After all, deep down I wanted something more, someone more and I know he won’t come along until I am whole and complete in myself.

 

Once I got over the initial “withdrawal” phase, I found that I really liked being just “me.” I read a lot of books, I listen to other people/”experts” who I find credible or admirable in some way. I also believe that it was time for me to come to terms and move past the fact that I had been the victim of domestic violence. This was something I always knew deep down and occasionally alluded to in my writing, but until last month I was never able to speak it out loud: “I was abused.” We see the truth when we’re ready and I guess I wasn’t ready until now.

 

As the YWOD has passed, I find myself interested in the possibility of bringing someone new into my life. I know what I want and, more importantly, I know what I’m worth and what I don’t want. It is important to be whole and complete in yourself before joining forces in a relationship with someone else. I had to be in a place where I was totally happy being who I am and recognize that I don’t need to change a damn thing about myself for anyone. I realize that I’m looking for a needle in a haystack and I am perfectly okay with that. I’m in no hurry. I don’t just want someone, I want someone exceptional and amazing and absolutely perfect for ME!

 

While I haven’t dated recently, I have dated a LOT of men. I’ve pretty much been married twice. Suffice it to say, I’ve been to the rodeo and I’ve learned a lot. So this morning I was at the gym and got into a dating discussion with a “gym dude” (he started it, not me!!!)  He was telling me about all these girls he was dating…but…they were all the same. They all had the same issues. I said…”oh yeah, I’ve done that before. Same church, different pew. You gotta find a new church dude!” He laughed and said that actually he was going to a new church. I had to clarify that I was speaking figuratively. But the thing I was telling him and that I experienced myself and that so many people experience – we keep choosing the same type of person over and over again until we finally learn the lesson. All of these people “same guy/girl, different shirt” or “same church, different pew” are sent to us as lessons. They’re temporary people sent into our lives to help us learn and grow. But more often than not, we are not aware of this or we are aware and choose to ignore the reality and just go through life creating drama after drama. Once you are aware you can learn and you can change.

 

I needed my YWOD to figure out what it was. And boy did I figure it out…in a way I never imagined. A path that was lead by my 3 little messengers, bless their hearts. Once I finally got the lesson and realized what I needed to do for MYSELF to be whole I knew that I would be ready to accept someone new into my life. I knew that I needed to be in a place where I didn’t need someone to complete me but to compliment me. I knew that I would wait for a man who would empower me and not want to manipulate and control me. I knew that I would wait for a man who didn’t want to change me, who would accept me just the way that I am. I knew that I would never settle again. I knew I was strong enough as ME to become part of a WE.

"Re"

Iyanla Vanzant is one of my favorite "life coaches" and I usually read something by her daily, be it on social media or in one of my many books she authored. Today I was reading from her book Until Today and the May 6th entry was absolutely spot-on for me today!

"I am capable of doing everything better the next time."
"The prefix 'Re' means to do again."
"You can always re-position yourself in any situation once you re-evaluate it."

Yep...kinda where this week is at and where I've known all along it would be. I could have told you this 12 weeks ago. My heart was never in the Emerald Cup and my sights were always fixed upon the Empire Classic as the true "goal."

My body is dropping water like crazy! I've dialed back on the cardio and am trying to rest a lot. My spirit and my mental state are in a completely different place. I feel happy and not stressed. My son is so excited to drive east with me and of course, that makes my heart very happy. I'm excited to share the hours driving over with him and have some fun stops planned along the way.

So here are my comparison pictures from yesterday morning and this morning - probably about 20 hours apart. Kinda crazy. I feel like I look better today then I did on Friday or Saturday. Ugh. Oh well...it is what it is and it's time to move on.

 

What If?

What if...less is more?
What if...more isn't always better?
What if...releasing the pain of the past would actually free me up to enjoy the right here, right now?
What if...

Another Emerald Cup that has left a nasty taste in my mouth. At my own choosing, of course. I own it. I chose to do the Emerald Cup again this year for one reason and one reason only...it literally kept me alive. I don't think I have words yet to express what these last several months have felt like...dark, lonely and absolutely unreal. Every morning I would wake up just a bit dazed and confused with a heaviness in my heart that wasn't quite clear and within moments I would remember..."oh yeah, my life is falling apart."

It has been 13 days shy of 1 year now since I last saw Chris. Those days, weeks and months after it was over I thought I might die. I cried during the day, I cried at night. Truly, the pain physically hurt. I didn't think I could hurt worse than I did saying goodbye to him. And then it happened...my kids were hurt and the pain I felt losing Chris paled in comparison. It has been, by far, the most painful year of my life. Losing someone you love and watching your precious babies go through something so terrible is literally gut-wrenching. There were many days when it just felt like too much, like I couldn't possibly go on. I stopped doing a lot of the things I love. I stopped spending time with people socially. I stopped writing. I stopped caring about a lot of things.

I knew that I only had one choice...to power through and to be strong and get through this for my kids and get my kids through this. Quitting life was not an option. Having to get up each morning to do cardio because I was competing in the Emerald Cup saved my life. It got me through the worst of it. I know it's far from over, but I feel like I've gotten through the hardest part and I have somehow gathered the strength to fight this beast head-on until the truth prevails...and it will!!

I did all the work. There was nothing left undone, nothing more I could have or should have done. If

anything, I probably made my body work too hard. My stress has been through the rough, my adrenals are working overtime. There were 2 solid months of sleepless nights. I dropped my calories too low and brought my cardio up too high. I was pushing too hard...because it felt better to push to hard than to feel the pain of what I'm going through. I guess, you could say, the training was my "drug".

Last year after closing out the Emerald Cup, I turned around and brought a much better physique to the Empire Classic stage just one week later. The energy was different. It was just about ME, nobody else. No baggage. Getting out of town was helpful too. I loved it there. I loved the people...it was like insta-family and I felt good. I think it was very symbolic for me in MOVING ON! And again this year, I am feeling a huge sense of relief with Emerald Cup being behind me and I am excited about the Empire Classic.

With the help of a friend, I've decided to dial back on my cardio a bit and make some changes to my

nutrition this week. Today I'm retaining a good bit of water, but not too bad. I tried to keep my sodium under control yesterday after doing a pretty severe water cut for Emerald. I'm water loading again today with 2+ gallons of water and will do my usual depletion training this afternoon.