Not Broken. Just Stronger

We are supposed to thank the people who try to break us because they've made us stronger. I have learned that first hand over the last few years. And because of that, I decided that I would make myself strong, I would make myself a better mother, friend and person. I have been changed and for that, I can only say thank you.

“The kids don’t need to see a counselor, they need a better mom.” He told me that over and over again. I cried. I was angry. And then I realized…he was right.

I was always a good mother. From the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child (that’d be September 15, 1995 to be exact) all I wanted to do was get it right. I wanted to learn everything that was needed to be learned so I could be the perfect mom. As we know, there is no such thing as a perfect mom, a perfect woman, a perfect person, a perfect anything. There is just doing the best we can do. And I always did my best for them.

My kids needed more. They needed me to stop everything and give them 100% of my attention. They needed me to connect in a way that I hadn’t ever connected before. They needed all of me, not just pieces of me. They needed to witness the depth of my love. They needed me to prove that my love has no limits and that I will walk through the fire to fight for their rights – their rights to be happy, to have love, to live without fear. And that is what they got. They needed a better mom and they got that.

The Voice That Doesn't Lie

I've always considered myself to be a pretty "intuitive" person and I've always felt like my intuitive instincts were usually right on target. But what I taught myself to do over the years was to shut down that intuition...my "inner voice." I became very skilled at silencing my intuition and in retrospect, made many decisions in my life that did not lead to optimal circumstances and could have been avoided had I listened to my intuition. I say this with no regrets but more of an awareness and obviously, a big lesson (okay, many lessonS) learned.

I remember the day very clearly...the day that my inner voice became so loud (I like to say it was yelling at me) there was no possible way I could silence it. It was a hot sunny day in May, warmer than usual. I was sitting in my car outside the gym, talking on the phone, very uncomfortable, dripping in sweat. "Hang up the phone! HANG UP THE PHONE!!! JUST. HANG. UP." It was the first time I'd ever had an experience like this...the voice was loud and unavoidable. The message was crystal clear: run far, run fast and whatever you do, don't look back. And it was the first time I decided to listen to the voice, my intuition. It wasn't going to allow me to deny it this time.

After that moment, I decided I would start listening to that voice from now on. My life changed when I decided to stop silencing my intuition and start listening...and following it. When I started listening I started making better choices for myself. But what has taken time is for me to start trusting my intuition, trusting myself. It's like practicing...you have to practice listening to your intuition and letting it show you that it's right and the more you do this the more you learn to trust it.

Our heads get in the way so often. We decide, cognitively, that we want something to be a certain way and then it becomes hard for us to honor our intuition. And it always comes down to one thing...FEAR. Fear is the thing that blocks our intuition and it does it very, very well. The fear doesn't just go away when you listen to your intuition, you just have to decide that even though you're afraid you're going to trust your intuition anyway. Trust that sometimes your heart knows what your head refuses to acknowledge.

Be Your F*cking Self

I used to have this friend, Michael...he forever changed my life. He changed me. He was my "catalyst" and it makes me sad to even think that, to really know and admit it. I know he knew it all along too. I met Michael about 6 months before I filed for divorce. It was a flirtation, nothing serious by any means. I remember driving to Vancouver with my girlfriend Kristie and asking her what I should say when he asks me if I am married...because that was coming next. Sadly, I did not want to say "yes, I'm married." So Kristie and I brainstormed that I would respond with..."Well, technically, I am married." Realizing that I was curious about the "what if" in the prospect of another man was the moment I knew that it was really time to get out of my marriage.

I never had a romantic relationship with Michael. The flirtation intensified, we made out after I separated and then we mutually agreed that we should just be friends. He was a really good friend to me. He was my rock. He was one of my "cape finders" for over a year of my life. He was by my side when I needed someone the most. And he believed in me and saw something in me that I couldn't yet see in myself. 

When I was ready to date again I would discuss my dates with Michael. "Why do you always go out with these losers who treat you like crap?" He was always brutally honest with me. Our friendship fell apart. It fell apart because of me. I was going on a second date with a dude who was shorter than me and I asked Michael for "shoe advice." I love to wear heels and I knew that my heels would make me taller than my date so I was discussing the "flats" option with Michael. The mere mention of compromising ME for a dude really fired him up.

I remember exactly where we were...the squat rack at Gold's. I was doing deadlifts and it was a Friday afternoon. He yelled at me. No, I'm not exaggerating. He really yelled at me. "BE YOUR FUCKING SELF DAMMIT!" I thought maybe he was jealous, but now I get it. And he was right.

I realize how many years I have spent doing things to be what I have thought other people expected of me. Or what other people wanted me to be. When I opened my gym I thought I should down-play my bodybuilder life so I would appeal to the right clientele. Well, that was dumb. I am who I am. I'm a bodybuilder. Why pretend to be someone and something I'm not?! It's exhausting and it gets old very quickly. Not to mention, it attracts the wrong kind of people to me. People who are not like me, people who end up exasperating me.

I was on the stepmill at Gold's the other night and I was looking out into the weight room and that conversation with Michael, one of our last, came back to me so vividly. It was definitely an "Ah-Ha!" moment. It took me nearly 2 years, but I understand now why he was so frustrated with me. I worked so hard to be someone I wasn't in so many situations for such a long time in my life. As I relived that conversation with Michael I was so incredibly grateful to him for being so brutally honest with me. For respecting me enough to tell me the truth.

Whenever I think about compromising myself to be what I think someone else wants me to be I will hear his words in my mind...BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!! (dammit)

Thanks M! ;)

F*ck The Rules

I've never really "enjoyed" dating. The main reason for this is that I don't like the "game." I don't believe in following "rules" when it comes to living my life and what I've found in the dating world - it's a game and you've got to play but the rules.

But here's the thing...when it's REAL, there aren't RULES.

For me, following the rules meant being someone other than my authentic self. I think it's safe to say that none of us are as good at being something other than our true selves. Playing the game meant going against my natural instincts and ignoring my intuition. I just wasn't good at playing by the rules when it came to dating.

If a guy texted me and I was available to text right back, I would. Because waiting 37 minutes or 2.33 hours or whatever the "rule" is just didn't feel right to me. I've never really felt the need to make it about a "chase". They say men like to chase and if you're too available, well, they just might lose interest in you. If I was available, I was available. If I wasn't, I wasn't. I never lied or made shit up in an attempt to make a dude feel like he was having to "work". I have a busy life so I wasn't always available as it was, I didn't need to make stuff up. If you're in a position where you're having to make up having a life so that a guy (or girl) will be more interested in you, perhaps you should consider that you don't have enough personal interests. The point is, put yourself first. If you put yourself first you'll never have to play the game and make things up because you're to busy "doing you." Enjoy your own company and pursue your own interests so that being in a relationship serves to compliment your already awesome life!

After enough dating, being married, more of enough dating I decided that "rules" just weren't for me when it came to finding "the one." Any time I felt like someone was game playing, I ran the opposite direction as quickly as I could. I suppose most of this comes with age. As I have become confident in who I am and completely comfortable in my own skin I no longer feel the need to play a game that forces me to compromise who I am and what I believe.

When we feel the need to follow "rules" we compromise our own desires and often times, our standards, for what we think is acceptable in our society. But when it comes to love and really, any relationships, I don't believe that being anything less than real and being our authentic selves leads to lasting and fulfilling relationships. This is why so many people get into a relationship and shortly after everybody is comfortable things seem to change. People get comfortable after they feel secure in the relationship so they let their guard down, they stop playing the game and their real self comes out. This is where many relationships head south. Who we were when we were playing the game is not who we truly are when all is said and done.

I am not saying that we shouldn't put our best foot forward when we're dating, but when we're dating, the

game isn't going to get us very far in the long term. It may result in more dates with a person of interest, but what is the long term impact of the game on the relationship? Not very good, in my opinion. Forget the game. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Of course, you want to make a good impression, but you should want to make a good impression a year from now, 5 years from now, 20 years from now. Never let comfort allow you to take your partner for granted. Never let comfort allow you to become complacent.

There are no rules when it comes to love. Love is not a game.

When it's real you don't need to play games to win your partner over, just being YOU will be enough.

Mr Wrongs & Kissing Frogs

I recently read a blog post by a single gal about what most women want in a man and I decided to take the time to read through the comments on the post itself and on her affiliated social media sites. I find it fascinating, I guess...especially as someone who has spent the last 4 1/2 years mostly single. While I have dated (more than I care to admit) and had a few not-so-serious and one serious relationship during that time, I consider myself single for all intents and purposes.

I've dated a lot of Mr Wrongs and I have kissed a lot of frogs. I like to think I kissed more than my fair share - so considering I've taken a few "for the team"...you're welcome ladies! The last year and a half (the "YWOD") I decided to take time off. I kept choosing the wrong dude over and over and over again and it was time to figure out why and fix it. Why was I picking Mr. Wrong? Because I thought that was all I deserved and that was also all I knew. It was my habit to pick guys that weren't going to treat me right because I was never going to expect them to. After the year was over and I felt like I was ready to date again I found myself taking an entirely different approach than I ever had before, which resulted in about one date in the last 6 months. If there was any doubt in my mind, I said no. My time is precious and I no longer needed to fill it with some guy that was going to give me the wrong kind of attention for a few minutes.

Taking full responsibility for my decisions in my dating life, I believe, is huge in getting to where I am now. I never went through a "man hating" stage and I never blamed men for the fact that I was single. I see this happen with women a lot. We allow ourselves to play the victim - "men are not treating us the way we want and therefore we are single." No, that's not it. There are equally as many bad women out there as there are men. Pointing the finger and saying that "men suck" or "women suck" is probably not going to get you very far on the path to finding your soul mate.

Like attracts like. It's hard to own that sometimes when you realize that the kind of people you are attracting are not at all the kind of people that you want to hang with. But it's true. If you don't value yourself, if you don't expect someone to treat you with respect you sure aren't going to get it. And when you do expect to be treated well and treated respectfully you'll notice that those are the people that are in your life.

When we stop pointing the finger at other people and start looking in the mirror we make progress. Sometimes you have to be still and take a "time out" to really figure out what it is you want in your life and get to a place where you truly feel like you deserve all that you want. When we stop blaming and start working on ourselves miracles happen when you least expect it.

It's out there. You have to believe, you have to wait for it and you have to settle for nothing less.

UnMarry Christmas

So you’re forging through the holiday season as a single, unmarried parent. Whether this is your first holiday season flying solo or you are a seasoned veteran, it seems like it’s always a bit awkward.

After divorce, your social circle changes quite dramatically. If you primarily socialized with other married couples prior to divorce, you may now find yourself “odd man out.” It’s a strange feeling that gets better over time as you, and those around you, get more comfortable with your new “single” status. The social events you attended with your former spouse may or may not be something you wish to attend now that you are single…that is, IF you still got invited (that sometimes depends on how the friends were split in the divorce).

Aside from the adult social events of the season, there are, of course, the children to consider. No matter how high the divorce rate may be, children from single parent home (often insensitively referred to as “broken homes”…PS ours didn’t “break”, we’re just remodeling) have a much different experience during the holidays than that of their two-parent counterparts. Because I was acutely aware of this, I have made it my number one priority every year since my divorce to make the holidays primarily about my children.

The question usually becomes…what now? You’re divorced and your old traditions may bring up feelings and emotions that make you sad, angry, bitter, etc. Obviously, these are not emotions that you want your children to feel from you, energetically (and trust me, if you’re sad, happy, mad, content…they know! Smart little suckers!) The best way I have found to combat this awkward emotional state and transition period of “married holidays” to “unmarried holidays” is creating a fresh start – NEW traditions for the new structure of your family. The best part of this is that you and your children get to do it together.

I was very apprehensive going into my first unmarried holiday season in 2009. I managed to keep myself busy by working 6 days a week. I was tired and run down, which meant I was not interested in holiday parties or being very social. But I did manage to rally for my kids. At the time my children were 3, 3, 6 and 13 and were of the age to have opinions about new traditions. It was a fun age for us to make some decisions together on how we wanted our new family holidays to look.

Our Christmas eve is all about cozy Christmas pj’s, building gingerbread houses, Papa Murphy’s pizzas and Christmas movies cuddled up on the couch together. It’s quiet, low key and relaxing. The kids love it and I love it!

Every family is different. Maybe you and your children aren’t as “chill” as we like to be and you prefer something more social and active. Figure out what will make the holiday special for you and your kids and do it…and make it FUN!

If you’re anything like me, you might find yourself with that nagging guilt of having taken away the “traditional” family holiday from your children. Let me just say…STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! Your children will follow your lead. You’re right, it’s not what they’re accustomed to, but they’re children and they’re resilient. They will adapt and they will be just fine. Your lives are going to transition and change over the years and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s part of life.

Don’t try to fight your own feelings of sadness and loss. It’s completely normal to mourn the loss of what you had, what you wished it had been and the dream that died. None of us get married thinking that it will not last. But sometimes it doesn’t. Perhaps, like me, getting divorced was something that you did for yourself to finally set yourself free. Even if that’s the case, it’s still normal to grieve the loss of the life you had, the life you had hoped for that didn’t turn out. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions. If you don’t, they will just fester and come out later.

I wrote a blog after that first Christmas of single parenting in 2009 and the last line is pretty powerful and it’s a good reminder to me still today…”all they want is me. Time is precious. Kids grow up far too quickly. Give your kids the gift of YOU.” Divorce can make the holidays look very different financially and you may be feeling like you can’t give your kids the same kinds of material gifts you did when you were married. Take it from me…your kids want YOU far more than any item on their Christmas list.

The Perfect Mother

From the day I found out I was going to be a mother (September 15, 1995 to be precise) my focus was on

doing everything in my power to take the best care of my child that I possibly could. Before she was born, I was reading books and magazines on how to care for my daughter. Once she was in my arms, all of my choices and decisions were made with her in mind. That motherly instinct only magnified as I brought more children into the world (3 more, to be exact). First and foremost, I am a mother. It's more important than any job I will ever have. Raising my children and taking proper care of them is top priority.

That said, I've always been "different." While I consider myself motherly and maternal, I do not consider myself to have the "stereotypical" mom qualities. I do not enjoy making crafts with my children. I would prefer not to volunteer at school (although this year I am making up for all the many years I haven't...it's admittedly very overwhelming...stinky kids everywhere!!!) Doing exercises with my baby - no thanks! Disneyland...with 1, it was do-able, with 4...I think I'd probably slit my wrists...then what good would I be?!

I'm not very organized and I have a hard time corralling everybody to get homework done in a nice, orderly way. When it comes to meals, you would maybe assume that as a nutrition coach, my children eat whole, nonprocessed foods each night for dinner and wake to a hearty breakfast of oatmeal and egg whites. Not so much. In fact, if it isn't frozen, it's a "special" dinner. And thanks to Costco and Nestle Tollhouse, I am amazing at baking chocolate chip cookies. If I have to participate in a bake sale, you can bet that I'll be buying it at the local bakery and leaving all the labels on too...because it would take more time and effort to peel them off than I'm willing to spend.

My oldest daughter, almost an "adult" (her words, not mine) will tell you...I'm not domestic. At all. Being a household manager is not my strong suit, it's not what I enjoy and therefore, I'm not very good at it. For a long time I used to think that made me less of a mom. I used to think...maybe I should try harder to be like the other moms...maybe that would make me better in my children's eyes. But after the year I've had I've come to realize that just like every other mom like me, who would rather jump off a bridge than be a domestic goddess, I am enough and I am an amazing mom and I am exactly what my children need. I know that my children adore me and wouldn't trade me for anything. Most of all, I know that my children feel the depth of my love and I know that they are secure in that love. I know that my children trust me.

Cookies from scratch and fun arts and crafts are awesome. If that's your thing, rock it! But it's not MY thing and that's okay. And if the "stereotype" isn't your thing either, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. You are exactly what your children need...just the way you are. Change nothing. Apologize for nothing. Do you.

We're all going to fuck it up along the way. We're human and we're not perfect. Know that and accept it and just do your best and enjoy what works for you and your family. Stop comparing yourself to the other moms at school, at football practice, at dance class...wherever it is you find yourself in the company of other moms. Stop. Give yourself permission to be yourself. Do the things you know matter to your children, not the things you feel like the other moms expect you to do.

I believe that we choose our parents. I believe my children chose me. I believe your children chose you. If they chose us then we don't need to change anything. We just need to do our best and call it good.