Oh Bikini Season

Oh bikini season...you are officially upon us. Which means we are being inundated with products and programs that are designed to help us become "bikini ready" in just a matter of weeks. It's time for us all to come out of hibernation - quit eating and drinking so darn much, start moving again and well, prepare our bodies to be revealed.

Bikini season is much like high school reunion season, wedding season, anniversary season, vacation season, photoshoot season...and the list goes on and on and on. I'm sure every one of us could find an event that we have coming up that we would like to look our best for...and that's all well and good. (Yes, there is a but coming) BUT...using a season or special event as motivation for getting in shape or dropping a few (or a lot) of pounds is short lived. In fact, unless you determine otherwise, these are date specific and after that date comes and goes most will revert back to whatever they were doing before and usually gaining all, if not more, of the weight back. 

As a fitness coach this is one of my biggest areas of concern. I have no problem helping someone get in shape for an event or a season, but I will not doing it without the client agreeing to make this part of a long term lifestyle and not view it as a diet. We all know, diets don't work. They just don't. Why? Because when the diet is over what happens? You go back to old ways and what you were doing before. Usually, this is because the diet was too strict and you were deprived of calories and nutrients your body desperately needed all in order to see the scale change. We can't live this way. We can't measure and count everything we put in our bodies for the rest of our lives. We must find balance and we must learn moderation.

As we head into "bikini season", please keep this in mind. Quick fixes don't last. They are like bandaids, eventually it gets ripped off and exposes the wound that still hasn't healed. Think about how you want to look and feel long term. As you take this into consideration make a list of exercises and how much time each week you could realistically commit to as a LIFESTYLE. Next up, take a look at your nutrition and identify the habits and foods that are a part of your regular diet and see which ones are unhealthy and need to be kicked altogether or at least scaled back. 

Choose to love and take care of you body year round. Your body will find its set point and you can finally get off that diet rollercoaster that many of us have been riding most of our adult lives. 

Faith Is...

It's birthday eve for my baby boy...not so much a baby anymore. He's turning 11 tomorrow. I've written before his birthday for the past couple of years and in light of our situation I wanted to be sure to continue that tradition again this year.

Turning 9 was rough. My son was going through such a troubled time and I really did not know exactly why. Just a month after his birthday my world was turned upside down. It's been a long, rough two years for all of us. But my heart is so full of joy and happiness as I look at my boy and see how far he has come, how much he has changed and how much he has healed over the past couple of years. It has been painful to watch him go through the healing process...utterly heartbreaking, to be honest. He is a constant reminder to me of the resilience of the human spirit and that love can give a person what they need to change.

I am proud to report that my son is absolutely thriving, in every way. Sure, he still acts like a 10/11 year old boy and that can be pretty annoying, but he is one great kid that I am proud to call my son. He (we) has been through some very dark times, times that were confusing and frustrating and scary and angry. But we as a family have never lost our faith and have always known that we would find our way out of the darkness, step by step and back into the light. When you are surrounded by love and faith that God will use your pain and carry you safely through the storm, you can rest assured that you will walk out on the other side of the tunnel. And step by step, we are.

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

 I adapted one of my favorite chocolate cookie recipes to make it just a little more perfect! My son has

made these famous at his school and is always taking my chocolate chip cookies to share with his buddies. I guarantee these will not last long around your house!

I like chocolate chip cookies made with shortening over butter so I decided to try a combination of both shortening and butter and the finished product was delicious! 

The addition of Jell-O instant vanilla pudding is also a key ingredient that makes these cookies so soft and chewy!

Recipe
1/2 cup Crisco Butter Flavor Shortening

1/2 cup Butter

1 cup brown sugar, packed

1 cup sugar

1 3.4oz package Jell-O Vanilla instant pudding

2 eggs

1 Tbsp vanilla

3 cups flour

1 tsp baking soda

2 tsp hot water

1 tsp salt

1 package chocolate chips (my kids like the Hershey's brand milk chocolate)

Combine shortening, butter, sugars and pudding mix and beat until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs one at a time. Slowly add vanilla. Mix in dry ingredients, combining baking soda and hot water before adding to cookie dough. Stir in chocolate chips and nuts if desired.

Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes. Cool on baking sheet for 3 minutes and transfer to cooling rack. 

Mothering My Sensory Kid

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is not a medically recognized condition but yet it IS a disability and it is very, very real. Left untreated or ignored a person can really struggle in life, primarily academically.

From a young age my Hannah was different from my other 3 children with her sensory needs. I was unaware of such a condition until the pediatrician told me he suspected this may be Hannah's condition when she was in kindergarten in a consultation we had after Hannah jumped off the roof of our house. Yes, you read that correctly: jumped off the roof. Unharmed, completely unharmed. Hannah was not very happy about spending a time out in her second story bedroom on a sunny spring Saturday so she busted out the window screen and jumped off the roof onto our front lawn. This was just the height (pun intended) of Hannah's interesting shenanigans that I could not make sense of.

Fast forward: today Hannah is in the third grade and is on ADD medication and still dealing with SPD. Hannah is the kid that likes bear hugs...as tight as you can give them. She hates loud noises like the vacuum cleaner. Hannah refuses to wear underpants because they're "too tight" and I've given up the tear-filled fights and she goes commando most days. If I would let her, Hannah would live in her pajamas...fleece pants and one of my old, soft t-shirts.

I cannot shop for Hannah unless Hannah is with me. Everything must be touched first to determine if the texture is to her liking. Buying her a new blanket is quite the ordeal. We have been known to visit half a dozen stores and touching every blanket in the store before we find the one that feels "just right." If you don't have experience with a SPD child, you're probably thinking, "well you're the parent, how silly of you to let her take you all over town so she can touch blankets." What you don't understand that finding the right blanket, pants, t-shirt or other soft, fuzzy object is critical to her functioning. She cannot calm down and she cannot focus without it. And when you find just the right textured item, it is truly like magic.

Hannah started sleeping with a bunny/blanket when she was 2 months old. She still of sleeps with it today, long after her twin sister has given up her own bunny. She cannot sleep without the bunny. She rubs its whiskers to calm herself. If she doesn't rub the bunny, she rubs her own eyebrows or eyelashes off. It is a coping mechanism, you see. You give the child the tools they need to be happy and peaceful.

When it comes to doing homework, Hannah rubs a soft fuzzy $6 stuffed animal we found at Old Navy. We discovered one morning as she was much more successful with her math homework when she was petting our kitten simultaneously. So, we decided to try a stuffed animal so she could have something soft to rub while working at school since taking the kitten along wasn't exactly an option. This one, seemingly simple, thing is the difference between academic success or frustration for my 8 year old.

This kind of thing can sound a little crazy, until it happens to your kid...which means it happens to you. You can resist it and try to force your child to be "normal" (what is that exactly, I don't know) or you can learn about the disorder and educate yourself about children (and adults) with sensory disorders. It is very real. While the medical community may not yet embrace it as a medical condition, it does exist and measures can be taken to improve the individual's quality of life.

I have found the path of least resistance has been a lot more peaceful and happier for all of us.

Not Broken. Just Stronger

We are supposed to thank the people who try to break us because they've made us stronger. I have learned that first hand over the last few years. And because of that, I decided that I would make myself strong, I would make myself a better mother, friend and person. I have been changed and for that, I can only say thank you.

“The kids don’t need to see a counselor, they need a better mom.” He told me that over and over again. I cried. I was angry. And then I realized…he was right.

I was always a good mother. From the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child (that’d be September 15, 1995 to be exact) all I wanted to do was get it right. I wanted to learn everything that was needed to be learned so I could be the perfect mom. As we know, there is no such thing as a perfect mom, a perfect woman, a perfect person, a perfect anything. There is just doing the best we can do. And I always did my best for them.

My kids needed more. They needed me to stop everything and give them 100% of my attention. They needed me to connect in a way that I hadn’t ever connected before. They needed all of me, not just pieces of me. They needed to witness the depth of my love. They needed me to prove that my love has no limits and that I will walk through the fire to fight for their rights – their rights to be happy, to have love, to live without fear. And that is what they got. They needed a better mom and they got that.

The Voice That Doesn't Lie

I've always considered myself to be a pretty "intuitive" person and I've always felt like my intuitive instincts were usually right on target. But what I taught myself to do over the years was to shut down that intuition...my "inner voice." I became very skilled at silencing my intuition and in retrospect, made many decisions in my life that did not lead to optimal circumstances and could have been avoided had I listened to my intuition. I say this with no regrets but more of an awareness and obviously, a big lesson (okay, many lessonS) learned.

I remember the day very clearly...the day that my inner voice became so loud (I like to say it was yelling at me) there was no possible way I could silence it. It was a hot sunny day in May, warmer than usual. I was sitting in my car outside the gym, talking on the phone, very uncomfortable, dripping in sweat. "Hang up the phone! HANG UP THE PHONE!!! JUST. HANG. UP." It was the first time I'd ever had an experience like this...the voice was loud and unavoidable. The message was crystal clear: run far, run fast and whatever you do, don't look back. And it was the first time I decided to listen to the voice, my intuition. It wasn't going to allow me to deny it this time.

After that moment, I decided I would start listening to that voice from now on. My life changed when I decided to stop silencing my intuition and start listening...and following it. When I started listening I started making better choices for myself. But what has taken time is for me to start trusting my intuition, trusting myself. It's like practicing...you have to practice listening to your intuition and letting it show you that it's right and the more you do this the more you learn to trust it.

Our heads get in the way so often. We decide, cognitively, that we want something to be a certain way and then it becomes hard for us to honor our intuition. And it always comes down to one thing...FEAR. Fear is the thing that blocks our intuition and it does it very, very well. The fear doesn't just go away when you listen to your intuition, you just have to decide that even though you're afraid you're going to trust your intuition anyway. Trust that sometimes your heart knows what your head refuses to acknowledge.

Be Your F*cking Self

I used to have this friend, Michael...he forever changed my life. He changed me. He was my "catalyst" and it makes me sad to even think that, to really know and admit it. I know he knew it all along too. I met Michael about 6 months before I filed for divorce. It was a flirtation, nothing serious by any means. I remember driving to Vancouver with my girlfriend Kristie and asking her what I should say when he asks me if I am married...because that was coming next. Sadly, I did not want to say "yes, I'm married." So Kristie and I brainstormed that I would respond with..."Well, technically, I am married." Realizing that I was curious about the "what if" in the prospect of another man was the moment I knew that it was really time to get out of my marriage.

I never had a romantic relationship with Michael. The flirtation intensified, we made out after I separated and then we mutually agreed that we should just be friends. He was a really good friend to me. He was my rock. He was one of my "cape finders" for over a year of my life. He was by my side when I needed someone the most. And he believed in me and saw something in me that I couldn't yet see in myself. 

When I was ready to date again I would discuss my dates with Michael. "Why do you always go out with these losers who treat you like crap?" He was always brutally honest with me. Our friendship fell apart. It fell apart because of me. I was going on a second date with a dude who was shorter than me and I asked Michael for "shoe advice." I love to wear heels and I knew that my heels would make me taller than my date so I was discussing the "flats" option with Michael. The mere mention of compromising ME for a dude really fired him up.

I remember exactly where we were...the squat rack at Gold's. I was doing deadlifts and it was a Friday afternoon. He yelled at me. No, I'm not exaggerating. He really yelled at me. "BE YOUR FUCKING SELF DAMMIT!" I thought maybe he was jealous, but now I get it. And he was right.

I realize how many years I have spent doing things to be what I have thought other people expected of me. Or what other people wanted me to be. When I opened my gym I thought I should down-play my bodybuilder life so I would appeal to the right clientele. Well, that was dumb. I am who I am. I'm a bodybuilder. Why pretend to be someone and something I'm not?! It's exhausting and it gets old very quickly. Not to mention, it attracts the wrong kind of people to me. People who are not like me, people who end up exasperating me.

I was on the stepmill at Gold's the other night and I was looking out into the weight room and that conversation with Michael, one of our last, came back to me so vividly. It was definitely an "Ah-Ha!" moment. It took me nearly 2 years, but I understand now why he was so frustrated with me. I worked so hard to be someone I wasn't in so many situations for such a long time in my life. As I relived that conversation with Michael I was so incredibly grateful to him for being so brutally honest with me. For respecting me enough to tell me the truth.

Whenever I think about compromising myself to be what I think someone else wants me to be I will hear his words in my mind...BE YOUR FUCKING SELF!!! (dammit)

Thanks M! ;)

F*ck The Rules

I've never really "enjoyed" dating. The main reason for this is that I don't like the "game." I don't believe in following "rules" when it comes to living my life and what I've found in the dating world - it's a game and you've got to play but the rules.

But here's the thing...when it's REAL, there aren't RULES.

For me, following the rules meant being someone other than my authentic self. I think it's safe to say that none of us are as good at being something other than our true selves. Playing the game meant going against my natural instincts and ignoring my intuition. I just wasn't good at playing by the rules when it came to dating.

If a guy texted me and I was available to text right back, I would. Because waiting 37 minutes or 2.33 hours or whatever the "rule" is just didn't feel right to me. I've never really felt the need to make it about a "chase". They say men like to chase and if you're too available, well, they just might lose interest in you. If I was available, I was available. If I wasn't, I wasn't. I never lied or made shit up in an attempt to make a dude feel like he was having to "work". I have a busy life so I wasn't always available as it was, I didn't need to make stuff up. If you're in a position where you're having to make up having a life so that a guy (or girl) will be more interested in you, perhaps you should consider that you don't have enough personal interests. The point is, put yourself first. If you put yourself first you'll never have to play the game and make things up because you're to busy "doing you." Enjoy your own company and pursue your own interests so that being in a relationship serves to compliment your already awesome life!

After enough dating, being married, more of enough dating I decided that "rules" just weren't for me when it came to finding "the one." Any time I felt like someone was game playing, I ran the opposite direction as quickly as I could. I suppose most of this comes with age. As I have become confident in who I am and completely comfortable in my own skin I no longer feel the need to play a game that forces me to compromise who I am and what I believe.

When we feel the need to follow "rules" we compromise our own desires and often times, our standards, for what we think is acceptable in our society. But when it comes to love and really, any relationships, I don't believe that being anything less than real and being our authentic selves leads to lasting and fulfilling relationships. This is why so many people get into a relationship and shortly after everybody is comfortable things seem to change. People get comfortable after they feel secure in the relationship so they let their guard down, they stop playing the game and their real self comes out. This is where many relationships head south. Who we were when we were playing the game is not who we truly are when all is said and done.

I am not saying that we shouldn't put our best foot forward when we're dating, but when we're dating, the

game isn't going to get us very far in the long term. It may result in more dates with a person of interest, but what is the long term impact of the game on the relationship? Not very good, in my opinion. Forget the game. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Of course, you want to make a good impression, but you should want to make a good impression a year from now, 5 years from now, 20 years from now. Never let comfort allow you to take your partner for granted. Never let comfort allow you to become complacent.

There are no rules when it comes to love. Love is not a game.

When it's real you don't need to play games to win your partner over, just being YOU will be enough.

Mr Wrongs & Kissing Frogs

I recently read a blog post by a single gal about what most women want in a man and I decided to take the time to read through the comments on the post itself and on her affiliated social media sites. I find it fascinating, I guess...especially as someone who has spent the last 4 1/2 years mostly single. While I have dated (more than I care to admit) and had a few not-so-serious and one serious relationship during that time, I consider myself single for all intents and purposes.

I've dated a lot of Mr Wrongs and I have kissed a lot of frogs. I like to think I kissed more than my fair share - so considering I've taken a few "for the team"...you're welcome ladies! The last year and a half (the "YWOD") I decided to take time off. I kept choosing the wrong dude over and over and over again and it was time to figure out why and fix it. Why was I picking Mr. Wrong? Because I thought that was all I deserved and that was also all I knew. It was my habit to pick guys that weren't going to treat me right because I was never going to expect them to. After the year was over and I felt like I was ready to date again I found myself taking an entirely different approach than I ever had before, which resulted in about one date in the last 6 months. If there was any doubt in my mind, I said no. My time is precious and I no longer needed to fill it with some guy that was going to give me the wrong kind of attention for a few minutes.

Taking full responsibility for my decisions in my dating life, I believe, is huge in getting to where I am now. I never went through a "man hating" stage and I never blamed men for the fact that I was single. I see this happen with women a lot. We allow ourselves to play the victim - "men are not treating us the way we want and therefore we are single." No, that's not it. There are equally as many bad women out there as there are men. Pointing the finger and saying that "men suck" or "women suck" is probably not going to get you very far on the path to finding your soul mate.

Like attracts like. It's hard to own that sometimes when you realize that the kind of people you are attracting are not at all the kind of people that you want to hang with. But it's true. If you don't value yourself, if you don't expect someone to treat you with respect you sure aren't going to get it. And when you do expect to be treated well and treated respectfully you'll notice that those are the people that are in your life.

When we stop pointing the finger at other people and start looking in the mirror we make progress. Sometimes you have to be still and take a "time out" to really figure out what it is you want in your life and get to a place where you truly feel like you deserve all that you want. When we stop blaming and start working on ourselves miracles happen when you least expect it.

It's out there. You have to believe, you have to wait for it and you have to settle for nothing less.

UnMarry Christmas

So you’re forging through the holiday season as a single, unmarried parent. Whether this is your first holiday season flying solo or you are a seasoned veteran, it seems like it’s always a bit awkward.

After divorce, your social circle changes quite dramatically. If you primarily socialized with other married couples prior to divorce, you may now find yourself “odd man out.” It’s a strange feeling that gets better over time as you, and those around you, get more comfortable with your new “single” status. The social events you attended with your former spouse may or may not be something you wish to attend now that you are single…that is, IF you still got invited (that sometimes depends on how the friends were split in the divorce).

Aside from the adult social events of the season, there are, of course, the children to consider. No matter how high the divorce rate may be, children from single parent home (often insensitively referred to as “broken homes”…PS ours didn’t “break”, we’re just remodeling) have a much different experience during the holidays than that of their two-parent counterparts. Because I was acutely aware of this, I have made it my number one priority every year since my divorce to make the holidays primarily about my children.

The question usually becomes…what now? You’re divorced and your old traditions may bring up feelings and emotions that make you sad, angry, bitter, etc. Obviously, these are not emotions that you want your children to feel from you, energetically (and trust me, if you’re sad, happy, mad, content…they know! Smart little suckers!) The best way I have found to combat this awkward emotional state and transition period of “married holidays” to “unmarried holidays” is creating a fresh start – NEW traditions for the new structure of your family. The best part of this is that you and your children get to do it together.

I was very apprehensive going into my first unmarried holiday season in 2009. I managed to keep myself busy by working 6 days a week. I was tired and run down, which meant I was not interested in holiday parties or being very social. But I did manage to rally for my kids. At the time my children were 3, 3, 6 and 13 and were of the age to have opinions about new traditions. It was a fun age for us to make some decisions together on how we wanted our new family holidays to look.

Our Christmas eve is all about cozy Christmas pj’s, building gingerbread houses, Papa Murphy’s pizzas and Christmas movies cuddled up on the couch together. It’s quiet, low key and relaxing. The kids love it and I love it!

Every family is different. Maybe you and your children aren’t as “chill” as we like to be and you prefer something more social and active. Figure out what will make the holiday special for you and your kids and do it…and make it FUN!

If you’re anything like me, you might find yourself with that nagging guilt of having taken away the “traditional” family holiday from your children. Let me just say…STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! Your children will follow your lead. You’re right, it’s not what they’re accustomed to, but they’re children and they’re resilient. They will adapt and they will be just fine. Your lives are going to transition and change over the years and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s part of life.

Don’t try to fight your own feelings of sadness and loss. It’s completely normal to mourn the loss of what you had, what you wished it had been and the dream that died. None of us get married thinking that it will not last. But sometimes it doesn’t. Perhaps, like me, getting divorced was something that you did for yourself to finally set yourself free. Even if that’s the case, it’s still normal to grieve the loss of the life you had, the life you had hoped for that didn’t turn out. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions. If you don’t, they will just fester and come out later.

I wrote a blog after that first Christmas of single parenting in 2009 and the last line is pretty powerful and it’s a good reminder to me still today…”all they want is me. Time is precious. Kids grow up far too quickly. Give your kids the gift of YOU.” Divorce can make the holidays look very different financially and you may be feeling like you can’t give your kids the same kinds of material gifts you did when you were married. Take it from me…your kids want YOU far more than any item on their Christmas list.

The Perfect Mother

From the day I found out I was going to be a mother (September 15, 1995 to be precise) my focus was on

doing everything in my power to take the best care of my child that I possibly could. Before she was born, I was reading books and magazines on how to care for my daughter. Once she was in my arms, all of my choices and decisions were made with her in mind. That motherly instinct only magnified as I brought more children into the world (3 more, to be exact). First and foremost, I am a mother. It's more important than any job I will ever have. Raising my children and taking proper care of them is top priority.

That said, I've always been "different." While I consider myself motherly and maternal, I do not consider myself to have the "stereotypical" mom qualities. I do not enjoy making crafts with my children. I would prefer not to volunteer at school (although this year I am making up for all the many years I haven't...it's admittedly very overwhelming...stinky kids everywhere!!!) Doing exercises with my baby - no thanks! Disneyland...with 1, it was do-able, with 4...I think I'd probably slit my wrists...then what good would I be?!

I'm not very organized and I have a hard time corralling everybody to get homework done in a nice, orderly way. When it comes to meals, you would maybe assume that as a nutrition coach, my children eat whole, nonprocessed foods each night for dinner and wake to a hearty breakfast of oatmeal and egg whites. Not so much. In fact, if it isn't frozen, it's a "special" dinner. And thanks to Costco and Nestle Tollhouse, I am amazing at baking chocolate chip cookies. If I have to participate in a bake sale, you can bet that I'll be buying it at the local bakery and leaving all the labels on too...because it would take more time and effort to peel them off than I'm willing to spend.

My oldest daughter, almost an "adult" (her words, not mine) will tell you...I'm not domestic. At all. Being a household manager is not my strong suit, it's not what I enjoy and therefore, I'm not very good at it. For a long time I used to think that made me less of a mom. I used to think...maybe I should try harder to be like the other moms...maybe that would make me better in my children's eyes. But after the year I've had I've come to realize that just like every other mom like me, who would rather jump off a bridge than be a domestic goddess, I am enough and I am an amazing mom and I am exactly what my children need. I know that my children adore me and wouldn't trade me for anything. Most of all, I know that my children feel the depth of my love and I know that they are secure in that love. I know that my children trust me.

Cookies from scratch and fun arts and crafts are awesome. If that's your thing, rock it! But it's not MY thing and that's okay. And if the "stereotype" isn't your thing either, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. You are exactly what your children need...just the way you are. Change nothing. Apologize for nothing. Do you.

We're all going to fuck it up along the way. We're human and we're not perfect. Know that and accept it and just do your best and enjoy what works for you and your family. Stop comparing yourself to the other moms at school, at football practice, at dance class...wherever it is you find yourself in the company of other moms. Stop. Give yourself permission to be yourself. Do the things you know matter to your children, not the things you feel like the other moms expect you to do.

I believe that we choose our parents. I believe my children chose me. I believe your children chose you. If they chose us then we don't need to change anything. We just need to do our best and call it good.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I consider myself "spiritual, but not religious". I believe in a higher power...God, the Universe, I'm not really sure what the power is exactly, but I believe in something greater. I have faith: faith that everything that happens in the human world is ultimately for our greater good. Sometimes those things are excruciatingly painful and don't seem to make any sense, but deep down, I believe they are ultimately a gift if we take the time to find it.

That said, this last year, I've always known there was "light at the end of the tunnel" even when I couldn't see the light, I believed it was there. I've always believed I would come out on the other side. The other day my attorney sent me an email and one of her statements was followed with..."this is the light at the end of the tunnel." I always thought when this day came I would be overcome with joy and all of a sudden I would have my life back. I would just pick up where I left off one year ago when life as I knew it abruptly came to a screeching halt. But I didn't feel the joy I expected to feel. I didn't even see the light. Nope. I guess you could say it was more of a heavy, dark rain cloud over me. As I thought about having my life back I realized that "life as I knew it" is dead and gone.

I never got to say goodbye and I never got time to mourn the loss of the life I had. While life was not without struggles and challenges, I had built my dream - my own gym and things were going pretty well. I was looking at a big change for my business and really excited about the new possibility. And then, so quickly, it was gone....along with a lot of other things I felt like I valued a lot. Just gone. No time for tears, I had a battle to fight. No time to be sad, no time to grieve...my children needed every ounce of energy I had.

In a way, it's like a car accident or some other big "event" that changes your life in an instant. Except, for me, I'm not broken as if I'd been injured in an accident. I have my health, my body is fine, mentally, I'm solid (most of the time). It's easy to look at what I lost and feel a sense of sadness. I think mostly, it's grief that I was never "permitted" (by myself) to feel. I was too busy, too focused. Now that I don't have to give 100% of my efforts to fighting the fight, I can feel all of the feelings of losing what I had.

I've beat myself up over it. I've choked back tears. I have told myself not to be sad. I get a fresh start that many people don't get. That is really exciting to me and I look forward to the rebuilding process - from determining what I want my life to look like to actually making it my reality. But before I can go forward I have to give myself the gift of grieving.

I'm not very good at letting go. I tend to hold on far too long to things and people that don't really belong in my life. Apparently, the Universe was well aware of this which is why my life didn't change in baby steps but rather in one fell swoop, overnight, yanked out from under me. I am really good at long, drawn out, emotional goodbyes...letting go of my old life would have taken me forever and I would have made it a long, painful process if left to my own vices. I believe the Universe was looking out for me...as usual.

I refuse to be "woeful" and ask "why me" because I know there is a purpose to everything that has happened in my life. But one thing I have learned is true - if you bottle it up and don't let it out it will eat you alive. So before I walk into the light I know I need to say goodbye to the dream that once was so that I can allow myself to be really excited about rebuilding my life for the new dreams, the dreams that are still alive and well and the dreams that I haven't even had yet.

Dating: Baskin-Robbins Style

I never imagined that I would find myself in my mid-30’s, a single mother of 4, fully immersed in the dating world once again. While I was pretty certain that my marriage wasn’t ever going to last I never projected far enough into the future to see what it potentially might look like to be single again.

It’s an adventure, to say the least. I think I’ve learned more about myself over the last 2 ½ years than any other time period of my life. I guess one of my biggest “take-aways” from being single is that life is constantly offering us choices…”do you want this or do you want that?” I’ve finally figured out that just because something is in front of me doesn’t mean I have to pick it up and carry it around with me.

The way I see it, dating in the “second chance” world is like walking into Baskin-Robbins…”31 Flavors”…which one will you choose?

The cool thing about Baskin-Robbins is that you walk in, look at the many flavors before you and they actually let you sample the ice cream before you order it. You know those cute little pink spoons that have just enough on them for you to know if this is a flavor you  might want to take a few more (or a lot more) bites of or not. Sometimes, when they put the ice cream on the spoon you know right away…”this one is NOT for me.”

For example…

The girl behind the counter hands you a little pink spoon with blue ice cream and some funky colored candy in it. Now, if you’re 6 this might appeal to you, but at 36 probably not so  much.

Or perhaps the spoon includes something with NUTS and you’re allergic to nuts or you just don’t like ‘em so much. Or you’ve had them before and they leave you with a funny ich in your mouth afterwards. A simple “no thanks.”

This is like the coffee date where you walk into Starbucks, set eyes on the dude (or chick) and consider turning around and walking back out. These are what I call the “hell no” dates…the ones when he doesn’t even have to open his mouth and you know it’s a definitely no-go. This date is the pink spoon of bubble gum ice cream that I’d rather feed to my 5 year olds than put in my mouth. (or some strange blue stuff to my 8-year-old)

Now, let’s say you try the sample on the pink spoon and it’s kind of yummy but you’re still not sure if you want a full serving…possibly the kid size but you definitely know that you’re going to need a few more bites before you know that you like this flavor enough to order a cone full of it. This is the 3-date-wonder. I’ve learned that by the 3^rd date (or encounter: be it by phone, in person, email, etc) you usually have a good idea if this is someone you’re interested in pursuing further…as in, do you want a full waffle cone full of this yummy goodness or is it really not so yummy after all? There are a LOT of these…and by a lot, I mean a LOT. And in my experience, by the 3^rd encounter they have met one, if not several, items on my DQ List (disqualified).

Alright, so let’s face it, by the time you are at or approaching mid-life, chances are the people in your dating pool are going to come with some kind of baggage as we’d like to hope they’ve done their fair share of living. That baggage could be kids (I don’t mean that with ANY negative connotation), scarred by an ex-spouse, ailing parents, chemical dependency, etc. We all have baggage…what are you willing to deal with? There are bags that I won’t touch with a 10-foot-pole. The bags that give me the “same church, different pew” vibe are the bags that I run from…as fast as I can! I find that I am personally more inclined to deal with a person whose baggage is in the form of people rather than unattractive behaviors. For instance, a man who comes along and asks me what I would be willing to change for him has just put himself on my DQ List giving way to the man who has 6 kids (okay, totally not ideal, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker as would the man who wants me to change for him on our first coffee date.)

In 2 ½ years I’ve dated a lot. I’ve dated so much I could write a book about it. What I have learned is that each person that is in front of me is a choice. It’s like walking into Baskin-Robbins…”Julie, do you like this? Do you want more of this? Do you want to eat a jumbo bowl of this?” Yes please! Or No, Thank You!

I find myself saying “No, thank you” a lot these days. But the great thing about that is that I’m not settling. I’m choosing to be single because I am happier being ME than being with the wrong person and trying to be someone they want me to be.

I figure with every “Nope, that’s not him” signal I sent to the Universe I am one step closer to the one that IS “him.” And I am convinced that whoever is coming my way is one seriously amazing specimen of a man. After all, they say good things come to those who wait.

Fighting For B

I am reposting a blog that was originally posted on November 13th and 14th of 2012 on my former blog that is no longer public. My son turned 9 last November and was quickly spiraling out of control. Angry and depressed and out of control. As his mother, I was confused and lost and did not know how to help him or what to do. Due to pending litigation, I am not able to disclose the details of what has transpired in the last year, but I can tell you that my son is back. And I can tell you that violence is not in a child's nature, it is a learned behavior. If your child is acting out, it is a cry for help. Listen! And most importantly, RESPOND! It is our responsibility as parents to FIGHT for our children.

The light is back in my boy's eyes. He is happy and he is FUN. He is not scared and worried every day as he once was. He no longer acts out in violent rages. I enjoy spending time with him and unlike a year ago, I am no longer afraid of my own son. The weight has lifted off his shoulders and he gets to be a child again. I will share more next week on his birthday but until then...here is where we were a year ago:

I am very emotional right now and writing is my therapy. I can't promise this will follow any rational train of thought but I know it will help me to process the situation.

I am heartbroken and sad and frustrated and angry and feeling completely helpless right now. I think back to so many moments with my son and I wonder..."how did we get here? More often than not, this child is behaving like someone I don't recognize. It's his birthday today and I think that birthdays probably have more meaning to parents than children, after all, we remember that moment our children entered the world. The anger, the hate, the rage that came out of my boy this morning was unlike anything I've seen before. I didn't quite get it when the school told me yesterday that he "lost it" and there was no getting through to him. I saw it this morning. 

I called [his father] and told him that I couldn't send Brenden to school. I don't think I've ever been so relieved to simply hear..."I'm on my way." Feeling overwhelmed and unable to be effective with our son, I was so grateful for his willingness to drop everything and come help. I am on stand-by all day today just waiting for this kid to pop again. I can't think straight. I can't think about anything except wondering what we should do and how we can help him. 

My mind is busy trying to figure out what this could be, what possible people or things could be the influence of this behavior. I took the Xbox and computer out this morning. I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to make sense of this, trying to find an answer.

 

We romanticize parenthood, motherhood especially. Women are inundated with pregnancy websites, magazines, message boards, etc. It's just like planning a wedding. It's made up to be this pretty picture that we can create for ourselves and in doing so we typically fail to think far enough down the road that these tiny little humans are going to evolve into bigger humans that are going to have needs and issues that will challenge us like nothing else in our life has ever challenged us before. They will have us making phone calls to the doctor as I made today..."I don't know who to call and I don't know what to do!!!"...as I could hardly stop my crying long enough to get that sentence out. 

I look at pictures of my son as an infant and think that I never expected this. I just naively thought my beautiful blonde hair, blued eyed boy and I would live this fairy tale life. My boy was going to love his mama and take care of her. Little did I know that my boy would speak to me in ways that my daughters never have. I love him no less. I might even love him more. But my heart hurts and it feels like it's sitting in the bottom of my stomach right now. 

To my friends who have been praying for us today and always, my heart is filled with gratitude to have such an incredible network of people who love us. Thank you! Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we get to the root of this and do whatever we need to do to turn this around.

November 13, 2012

He'll be 9 tomorrow. 8:48pm tomorrow night to be precise. 8lbs 3oz, 21" long. My boy. The only boy on my side of the family...the golden boy.

It is hard for me to write this tonight. As a mother, my heart aches. I was called to pick my son up from school today because he had "lost it" and was out of control. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it was the first time, but this is something that we have been struggling with since he was in kindergarten. I don't know how to fix it and that breaks my heart and frustrates me and makes me angry. Not at him, but at the fact that I don't know how to fix it. I don't know that any of us (his family) do. His dad and I are taking him to the pediatrician for a consult and to see what direction we need to go from here.

As I was looking through pictures of Brenden's first few days of life I remembered the special bond we had during his early years. I was working full time and my employer let me bring him to work with me...everyday for 10 months. I had him on Friday and was back in the office to do payroll on Wednesday. :) He was always my little buddy. Always. I didn't expect it to be this way when he got older. 

This is very raw right now. It would be out of character for me to write a post that was all sunshine and rainbows because that's not reality. Regardless, I love this kid fiercely. I would give my life to spare his as any parent would. But sometimes being a parent really just sucks. The feeling of helplessness and not knowing how to make things better really, really just SUCKS. 

My boy is amazing. He is wicked smart. He is funny. And he is so capable of being a kid that is fun to be around. We will help him turn it around!

Happy 9th Birthday "Little B!"

His Best Gift

Today was gorgeous...it was a postcard Seattle fall day. The sun was shining, the sky was clear and the leaves are bright orange, yellow and red. It was a day that just makes you grateful. As I felt grateful for the gorgeous weather, I felt gratitude for a plethora of other things in my life as well. And strangely, I felt grateful for a gift from a former lover that changed me forever.

A lot of times when love is lost we are bitter..."he broke my heart", "she was careless with my heart", "he used me", etc. There's almost always a blame game. But the reality is, no one can do anything to you without your consent. It takes a lot for me to say that as a victim of domestic violence, but I fully acknowledge that I allowed it to happen. Just as I've allowed every other person to treat me in any way that wasn't "up to par" with my standards (which were probably set pretty low to begin with). But...when we know better we do better. I finally "got it" by the time I got into my last relationship. I went in eyes wide open, so I knew that I only had myself to blame when it ended ever so predictably...bad.

He was one of my best teachers. It would be easy to be bitter, I suppose, if I let myself feel like he "wronged" me. But he wasn't that guy and nothing was done with the intent to hurt me. In fact, I know, with everything that I am that he loved me...fiercely. He loved me enough to let me go, to set me free. But rewind...at the very beginning of "us", he promised me he was going to teach me that I was worth more than these "douche bags" that I kept choosing. He saw everything I already was before I saw it myself. He loved me when I was invisible and he loved me just the same when people started to "see" me. He loved me when I felt like I had no power and he loved me when I was soaring with so much confidence you couldn't possibly bring me down. He let me shine. He let me shine in a way that no one else had ever let me shine before. He loved ME and he let me be me. I believe, to this day, that he set me free because together we never would have made it and he would have always been someone that held me back. I know he didn't want that for me.

Now that time has healed my heart and given me perspective I am always filled with gratitude towards him. As I consider the possibility of a new relationship, I find myself unwilling to settle for less than I deserve...because of what he taught me. He gave me a taste of what it feels like to be loved, he gave me the hope that it's out there waiting for me. And I will wait for it. I will settle for nothing less than all the amazing things I want.

The sunny fall days, the trees and this weekend remind me of the day I fell in love with him. Nothing in this life should be wasted...no lesson, no experience...we should use everything as an opportunity to grow. Sometimes growing is painful. This opportunity to grow hurt like hell. But now that I look back I realize he made me believe in love again. He filled me with hope. And he set me free to find the one that was meant to share this life with me.

For everything he gave me, he will always hold a piece of my heart.

Goodbye is a Gift

Sometimes goodbye is the hardest thing. Sometimes it physically hurts so incredibly much that you truly feel your heart might break. It doesn’t matter who it is that leaves or that you leave…a friend, a lover, a family member…goodbyes, in my experience, are never easy. There is always a loss to some degree.

I heard it said the other day…”Goodbye is a gift.” It’s an interesting way to think about it as I had never thought of it in exactly those terms before. I’ve always thought everything happens for a reason and that people come into our lives for a reason and sometimes only for a “season.” But when I thought about it…”goodbye is a gift”…I realized how true that is. Every time I’ve said goodbye it has been a gift, an opportunity to learn and to grow.

Not everyone we have relationships with is meant to stay in our lives and on our journeys for the long haul. Saying goodbye is the best gift someone could give you or that you could give yourself. Goodbye allows us to learn whatever it is we were supposed to learn and then allow ourselves to be open to new beginnings with other people who are better suited to us where we are now.

In the last year I have learned a lot about relationships. I’ve learned a lot about saying goodbye and mostly, I’ve learned that goodbye is not negative, it’s necessary. Goodbye keeps me moving in the right direction. Every goodbye brings me closer to the person I am supposed to be. If we can see the gift in every goodbye it makes us less resistant to the letting go and moving on. As we hold on to a relationship that has run its course, we delay the gift only found in moving on.

Goodbye is a gift that brings new opportunity.

Time Out!!!

Everyone who knows me personally knows how much I love being a competitive physique athlete. I thrive on the personal challenge that every competition gives me. My close friends would also be able to tell you that I "abuse" my sport. I know you're probably wondering what I mean by "abuse", so I'll tell you, in my terms, what that means.

Every single time I've stepped on stage I have done so to run from something, someone or some situation that was affecting me in a negative way. "If only I distract myself with a competition, it won't hurt so much. If I'm too busy with training and focusing on my prep, I can power through it." The problem with that is...the contest comes and it goes and the "thing", the person, the situation is still there waiting for me. "Oh, oops! I guess I'll just pick another show so I have no down time to deal with this. Yes, if I just keep myself in the throws of contest prep I can keep avoiding [person, place or thing]"

This last run of contests was, by far, the longest stretch yet. I guess you could say I had some pretty extreme pain and competing became my "painkiller." It allowed me to power through some dark days, it allowed me to isolate myself from new people (read: not moving on), it allowed me a positive distraction. But, even a positive distraction can become a negative thing if it's keeping you from dealing with things that must be dealt with. Feelings and situations that won't go away...they'll just sit on the sidelines waiting for you to deal with them once and for all.

Our bodies know things our hearts and our minds do not. I believe that the capabilities of our physical bodies far outweigh those of our emotions and our minds. I believe that, for the better part of the last year, my body has been begging me to take a "time out" to deal with some things I have been using contest prep to avoid. I am listening now and I've decided that not only my body, but my spirit, needs to take a break. I'm not sure how long. I do love competing for what the process gives to  me and the challenge to be better than the "me" I used to be. I know for sure I will not compete again this year. I've made that a promise 1st to myself, 2nd to some other valued friends...because I need to be held accountable. It's like an addiction for me - when the going gets tough, I want to throw myself into contest prep.

More than my body needing a break, I need to force myself to do "normal" things. Right now, I am enjoying more time with my children in the evenings and on the weekends. I am enjoying sleeping in on Sunday mornings, without pressuring myself to get out of bed and doing cardio at 6am. I am enjoying my "high carb" day to eat normal people food and enjoy social eating with loved ones. While it is good to have a nutrition plan, it can become a bad thing when you allow it to keep you from social situations. That was a choice I made and it now time for me to choose differently. Contest dieting is fine and can be healthy, but it does need parameters and it's not meant to be an ALL YEAR deal. I wanted to isolate myself and my diet allowed a great excuse.

It's time for me to stop abusing my contest prep and start living again. I am, however, still on a program and have a target goal. My good friend and colleague, Jon Blodgett (along with his wife, Erin, also my pal) is in charge of all my training and nutrition right now. He's got me on a fat loss/muscle gain program that I'm loving and is giving my life much-needed balance. I am also taking this "time out" to do some work for my sponsor, NDS Nutrition. I will be running their booth at the Night of Champions on September 28th in Spokane, WA and at the Washington Ironman on October 5th in Seattle. I am excited to have the opportunity to represent them for their very first appearance at the Ironman!

I like to think that I will get on stage in 2014 but I have to do it for no other reason than because I LOVE IT and because I just WANT to.

Hope Floats

I love this quote…

“Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up and it will.”

This year my life has been all about endings and new beginnings. Specifically, ending things that were long overdue to be ended. Pages of my story that I turned but what I really needed to do was just close the book and pick up a new one altogether. We fight to hold onto things in fear that something better will never come along but the reality is…until we let go of the old, there is no way we can possibly make room for something new and better to come along.

So what happens when you let go but you don’t really LET GO…and what I mean by that is that while you think you have moved on, there is a piece of that “old” part of your life that is still existent in your life presently. What happens is you keep getting the same kind of experience repeated in a different way until FINALLY you figure out the lesson, learn it and then you can close the book once and for all!

It’s hard. I know it is. I’m right there with ya! It’s scary to say goodbye to something that maybe doesn’t feel very good but it feels familiar and familiar is comfortable. It’s predictable and reliable. We know what we’re going to get. Putting an end to something that is familiar can be sad because it might mean we’re saying goodbye to someone or something that we have become attached to…even if it’s in a not-so-positive way. Often times ending things are sad because it means letting go of a part of ourselves but if we can work through the discomfort, the pain and the sadness of the ending, we open ourselves up to the opportunities of a new beginning.

New beginnings are scary. It’s the fear of the unknown. And while many times new beginnings offer us new and exciting opportunities, it is still the unfamiliar which is often times uncomfortable. I have learned that if I look at new beginnings with the perspective that everything that happens to me is for my greater good and every new experience is leading me to something better, I can forge ahead into the new…fearlessly. And being fearless doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid, it just means that you are brave enough to do it anyway…you’re willing to take the risk because you know that even if it doesn’t turn out the way you planned or hoped, it’s going to turn out the way it is supposed to.

We have two things always available to us: HOPE and FAITH. I have seen many dark days and more pain in my life than I ever imagined…but I have always had hope and faith and it keeps me going and it keeps me focused on the new beginnings and all the wonderful opportunities and potential those new beginnings may hold. If you give it a chance…hope will float up. I promise.

Actually, You ARE Beautiful!

I saw this quote from Steve Maraboli in my Instagram feed this morning and I wanted to do more than share it, I wanted to address it because it is such a big issue for women in general but women who have been in a relationship of domestic violence especially.

The physical wounds of domestic violence heal, they may leave scars, reminders, but they don't bleed anymore. However, the verbal and emotional abuse of domestic violence is not nearly as easy to heal and to recover from. And abusers will argue that "they're just words and words aren't abuse" or "they didn't mean any of it" (they never do, do they?) The problem with words is you can't take them back. You can apologize, but they're still there in the back of your mind...sometimes playing over and over like a broken record.You hear the record enough times and you start to believe that these words are true. Undoing the damage of domestic violence is hard work and it takes a commitment to yourself to overcome it...something your abuser has taught you that you're absolutely not worthy of.

Bull shit! Bull shit bull shit BULL SHIT!

First you have to believe that you are worth more than the lies someone sold you. And then you have to do the work on YOU to move beyond those lies and get them out of your head once and for all. For me, the first part of this has been acknowledging the abuse. For years I have held my hands over my ears, closed my eyes and "lalalalala - I can't hear you". This didn't happen. This couldn't happen...not to me, anyway. But it does. Domestic violence in the form of verbal and emotional abuse is very prevalent in our society today and it knows no boundaries - white collar, blue collar, high income, low income - domestic violence don't care. And so, while you may be like me, hiding in the "pretty picture" of your suburban home, big diamond rings, loaded SUV, adorable children and neatly landscaped yard, the truth is still behind it all, covered up but not going anywhere until it's acknowledged.

Some people find it hard to believe that words I frequently heard were things like:

"No red-blooded man would ever want you."
"Your body is repulsive."

But I did. And I never told anyone. I was not only ashamed, but deep down inside I wondered if maybe he was right - was I really that awful and ugly. My belief in his words lead me to a sequence of relationships with men whose treatment of me confirmed that his words were true. UNTIL...*this part is important ladies!!!* UNTIL...I decided that he was wrong. Until I decided that he was a liar and that his ugly words were about how he felt about himself and held no truth about who I am and whether or not I was beautiful or worthy.

Ultimately, we are the only person responsible for the beliefs and values we let into our minds. And sometimes that means we have to rid ourselves of ugly things we let inside by people who feel so small they need to bring others down to their level. Only when we figure this out, accept it and make the choice to move ourselves beyond it is when we heal. Choose to heal.

You are beautiful. Say it until you believe it. 

The Big Red Flag

The "red flags" - we all know about them and let's be honest, we all know what they are, whether or not we choose to see them is the real truth of the matter.

I believe that when it comes to dating and really any relationship, there are red flags or "warning signs." The red flags are deal breakers, obvious STOP signs. They are not "proceed with caution" signs, nope, they are stop-in-your-tracks-and-turn-the-fuck-around-signs.

So, here is what I have learned about red flags -

First of all, a red flag is a huge warning sign and in my experience the red flag is a character trait or situation with an individual that is a) not negotiable and b) not something that can or will change. It is what it is. And it IS a deal breaker. I'm currently single, so as you can see, I have not yet met a man with no red flags and while I was able to put my blinders on for a time with every single man I was ever with who had red flags (um, that's ALL of them, in case you didn't get the subtle hint earlier), ultimately the red flags became something that I couldn't tolerate any longer.

You can refuse to see the red flag, but deep down at your core level, subconsciously, you are well aware the red flag is there but you choose to ignore it, bury it and hope that if you close your eyes, cover your ears and hum really loud it may just go away. It won't. And another thing I have learned: getting pissed off at your friends for pointing out the red flag usually means at some point you have to go groveling back with the "OMG you were so right! Why didn't I see it before?!" You did, you just chose to ignore it which is why your friend's honesty struck a nerve the way it did. The truth hurts. And if you accept the truth then you have to deal with it which usually means terminating a relationship that, for whatever reason, you are not yet ready to terminate. Hey, it's cool...been there done that. Just make sure you learn the lesson the first time. (Unlike me, I've had to take this class a few times before I finally got it.)

Red flags are different for each individual. What may be a red flag for me may not be a red flag for you. Clearly, in the past I was willing to accept red flags that are now complete, hands-down, no-second-date, deal breakers. Only you know what's a deal breaker for you. I have found, personally, that as I get older and closer to 40 I am very clear on what I want and even more clear of what I do NOT want. I'm picky these days...but rightfully so. We should all be picky and hold out for nothing less than amazing, someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.

I have found that my friends are actually a very useful resource when it comes to red flagging. My friends and family have developed a "judging panel" that will be an integral part of the next relationship I enter. (And I'm only half kidding here...they're pretty darn protective of me) Love is blind, right? Our friends and loved ones do not have the love goggles on in a new relationship the way we do. But, the thing here is you have to be open and willing to take a step back when they point out a red flag, not hate on them and make an honest assessment of the situation:
Are your friends right?
Is it too early to tell?
Do you need more time to find out?
Develop a strategy and do not move forward until you have a game plan. Trust me here, if you have the kind of friends I do (the ones who walk thru the fire with you) they have earned the right to look out for you.

When a relationship is over you can usually look back in hindsight and see all the red flags with clear vision. It's okay. Let it go. Forgive yourself and move on. I have tortured myself with the "whys" and finally I've concluded...the "why" doesn't matter. What matters is I learned the lesson, maybe continue to learn lessons. But what is most important is that you learned and that you can forgive yourself, stop beating yourself up and move on to something and someone that is deserving of all that you are.

Be willing to being more aware of red flags and addressing them when you see them. You owe it to yourself to have a "NO TOLERANCE" policy for red flags.